This Isn't Everything You Are

I spent most of this past weekend having a massive party.  A rockin' pity party with one guest on the invitation list.  Self-pity isn't an attractive quality to possess, and unfortunately I'm quite good at it.

 

A couple of events from Friday and Saturday, mixed with my overactive/ pessimistic imagination, led me to be convinced that I'm going to end up on my own and die a lonely old cat lady.  (I told this to a friend this evening, and she added in being eaten by Alsatians who have already eaten my cats - at least I can see the funny side of it now right?!) 

 

I've been reading a book recently, which presents some interesting thoughts on psychology and happiness.  I came across this last night:

 

Do you believe that your past determines your future?  This is not an idle question of philosophical theory.  To the extent that you believe that the past determines the future, you will tend to allow yourself to be a passive vessel that does not actively change its course.

Martin E.P. Seligman's Authentic Happiness, p66

 

I thought this was a really interesting concept, and one I'd like to spend more time thinking about.  I have a lot of regrets about the past and struggle to come to terms with things that have happened in my life.  My default is usually to focus on disappointments rather than happy memories.  Obviously I can't go back and change the past.  And I recognise that I need to come to a point of understanding these events in my life and acknowledge them (rather than bottling them up or ignoring the pain that they caused).  But then crucially I need to learn from these experiences and move on to the future.  It's something that I've spent a lot of time on in my counselling sessions, and I'm at the stage now where I need to actively decide to make some changes and follow them through.  I'm finding that pretty hard.

 

There's a balance in all of this.  For example, I don't particularly like being quiet and I hate the assumptions that people often make about me as a result of being quiet.  But I also wouldn't want to be the centre of attention all the time and in the spotlight.  But there are steps I could be taking to move from where I am now to somewhere in the middle.  (We often talk about it being like moving the pendulum in my counselling sessions, even just 5% and what that might look like.)  The person I am now isn't everything I am.  (The blog title is taken from a Snow Patrol song, which just happened to be playing as I write this.)  Without trying to sound overly philosophical, I guess we are all trying to work out what kind of person we want to be and what that looks like in practice.  I haven't figured out how to get there yet, but I want to believe that there is more to my life than what I am experiencing right now.  That there is more to me.

 

So am I a product of my past?  Well yes, it has definitely impacted who I am today.  But I would hope that it doesn't limit me to staying within the confines of these past experiences.  And that leads me back to my pity party.  Somehow I need to figure out how to shift myself out of jumping to the negative conclusions and recounting disappointments (I've been on my own for ages, so I'm always going to be alone) and move that 5% forward (I might be single right now but there's still the future).  Answers on a postcard please.

Something Lighter

It's been a fairly busy week and I've not been sleeping well, so I am feeling tired and very emotional this evening.  I'm posting this to show (myself) that I'm not just an over-thinker and over-sharer.

A brooch which I made for a friend's wedding for each of her bridesmaids to wear, using the scraps of fabric from her husband's kilt.

Some lovely afternoon sun this week, helping my aloe vera plants to grow.  Not that they need help, they are growing like crazy!

Itchy Feet

I don't blog as often as I would like, but there are times when I have that urge to WRITE!  It's like a traveller who gets itchy feet when they hear of another person's travel tales (I also suffer from this).  Or when you have to go for a run to burn off the frustrations and stresses of the day (unfortunately I don't suffer from this, I comfort eat instead).  I'm not sure what the writer/ blogger equivalent is called, but I've had it this week.  The opposite of writer's block.

 

I've been feeling quite jumbled and out of sorts for the past couple of weeks, and haven't been sleeping that well.  On Monday night I couldn't sleep and eventually had to write some things down on my phone just to stop them from churning around my head.  Here's what I wrote (bear in mind that it was about 1.30am):

 

Why are friendships and relationships such hard work at times?  I sometimes wonder if it's just me who has high expectations when it comes to people.  I'm not excluding myself from this - I seem to regularly let myself down and don't meet the standards I've set out for myself.

 

I need to look for a new place to live over the next few weeks.  This is raising some hard questions for me, that I'm doing my best to avoid thinking about too much.  Should I move in with other people?  It would be good to have more company.  But part of me feels that the older you get, the fewer people there are who want to live with flatmates.  I'm used to living on my own now, having done so for over 18 months.  But can I afford to keep living on my own?  And surely this won't help me to feel less lonely.  My parents have offered to help me buy a place when I'm ready.  But I don't feel that my job is stable enough to do this.  And there's still that wee girl in me who thought I would be buying my first home with my husband. 

 

I don't think it's much of a secret that I would like to be married.  But the prospect of such a big commitment also terrifies me.  Will it be worth the challenges and compromises?  What if it doesn't work out?  I know that marriage isn't going to make me happy and solve my problems in itself.  I can't rely on someone else to sort my problems and issues out.  But there's still something in me that thinks I would probably be happier if I was in a stable relationship.

 

Part of me wishes that I could just hide from all of this grown up stuff.  The ignorance of youth sounds quite appealing.  But unfortunately (as my mum reminded me recently) I am a grown up.  So I need to face these decisions head on.  Like a grown up.

 

I used to make lots of plans for the future.  I don't do that so much anymore.  Now I'm scared of looking ahead too much.  I don't like the unknown.  I'm scared of the possibility of having depressions again in the future.  Of staying single and not having kids of my own.  Scared of not feeling financially stable and running out of savings.  Scared of being left behind in my groups of friends. 

 

Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I wasn't living in the shadow of fear?

 

 

All sounds a bit depressing now that I read back over it!  I also sound like a broken record, and I'm sure those who are close to me are fed up of hearing me talk about the same old worries!  But these are my worries, and at times I do feel better for laying them out bare in front of me.  (Although I wonder if I overshare on my blog...)

 

I have been doing better over the past few months, for which I am very grateful.  The dark pit of depression is not a safe or pleasant place to be.  It's like that analogy of the frog and a pan of hot water.  If you dropped me into the hot water of depression, of course I'd do what I could to jump out of it straight away.  But when it happens gradually you don't notice you're in danger.  It creeps in and the familiar warmth almost feels comforting, until you realise that it's suffocating you and you're too tired and weighed down to kick your legs and get free.  So I am relieved to be out of that place.

 

About a month ago, I was doing some reflecting and journaling.  I thought back to when I was 18 and in the Dominican Republic with Tearfund for 6 weeks.  It was hard work and I was terribly homesick, but it was such a formative experience for me.  I was reminded that I came home having decided that I wanted to work for a charity and would do what I could to make a difference in the lives of others.  It feels like such a revelation to be reminded of that time.  I imagine being able to tell my 18 year old self that 12 years later I would be working for a charity, and that I would be making a difference.  It gives me a lump in my throat to think about it.

 

At what point did I lose that dream and get bogged down in the uselessness of comparison, disappointment and regret?  And how do I avoid falling into that trap again?  I feel like remembering that young dream has given me some of my sight back again.  I can sense my enthusiasm return.  Slowly.  For life, for work, for myself. 

 

And I think I'll stop here before I write a book...  I need to blog more regularly!