I spent most of this past weekend having a massive party. A rockin' pity party with one guest on the invitation list. Self-pity isn't an attractive quality to possess, and unfortunately I'm quite good at it.
A couple of events from Friday and Saturday, mixed with my overactive/ pessimistic imagination, led me to be convinced that I'm going to end up on my own and die a lonely old cat lady. (I told this to a friend this evening, and she added in being eaten by Alsatians who have already eaten my cats - at least I can see the funny side of it now right?!)
I've been reading a book recently, which presents some interesting thoughts on psychology and happiness. I came across this last night:
Do you believe that your past determines your future? This is not an idle question of philosophical theory. To the extent that you believe that the past determines the future, you will tend to allow yourself to be a passive vessel that does not actively change its course.
Martin E.P. Seligman's Authentic Happiness, p66
I thought this was a really interesting concept, and one I'd like to spend more time thinking about. I have a lot of regrets about the past and struggle to come to terms with things that have happened in my life. My default is usually to focus on disappointments rather than happy memories. Obviously I can't go back and change the past. And I recognise that I need to come to a point of understanding these events in my life and acknowledge them (rather than bottling them up or ignoring the pain that they caused). But then crucially I need to learn from these experiences and move on to the future. It's something that I've spent a lot of time on in my counselling sessions, and I'm at the stage now where I need to actively decide to make some changes and follow them through. I'm finding that pretty hard.
There's a balance in all of this. For example, I don't particularly like being quiet and I hate the assumptions that people often make about me as a result of being quiet. But I also wouldn't want to be the centre of attention all the time and in the spotlight. But there are steps I could be taking to move from where I am now to somewhere in the middle. (We often talk about it being like moving the pendulum in my counselling sessions, even just 5% and what that might look like.) The person I am now isn't everything I am. (The blog title is taken from a Snow Patrol song, which just happened to be playing as I write this.) Without trying to sound overly philosophical, I guess we are all trying to work out what kind of person we want to be and what that looks like in practice. I haven't figured out how to get there yet, but I want to believe that there is more to my life than what I am experiencing right now. That there is more to me.
So am I a product of my past? Well yes, it has definitely impacted who I am today. But I would hope that it doesn't limit me to staying within the confines of these past experiences. And that leads me back to my pity party. Somehow I need to figure out how to shift myself out of jumping to the negative conclusions and recounting disappointments (I've been on my own for ages, so I'm always going to be alone) and move that 5% forward (I might be single right now but there's still the future). Answers on a postcard please.
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