Comfortably uncomfortable

As I think I’ve said before, in theory I love the idea of travelling.  But the reality of power cuts, water cuts, bugs, bites, language barriers, lack of space and freedom does sometimes get to me!  (Although we are taken care of and looked after so well, so don't feel too sorry for me!)  I don’t like feeling uncomfortable and I miss the ease and familiarity of life at home.  But didn’t I come here because I wanted to challenge myself and step out of that comfort zone?  Life at home had become uncomfortably comfortable – it was easy just to float along in life.  Instead, I would like to get to the point where I feel comfortably uncomfortable.  As in actively choosing a lifestyle that doesn’t follow the easy and straightforward path.  Being able to embrace different and difficult situations.  I think there’s a lot more I could be doing to push myself further out of my comfort zones.  Easier said than done!

Someone took me aside the other week and asked me if I was ok, as I was so quiet – was there something wrong?  As kind as it was for them to have noticed me and asked, I did feel a bit upset about it.  I hate being quiet and shy, and don’t like that people often assume something must be wrong.  People are different in the way they show their emotions.  I know it’s another thing I could be working on.  I worry that many of my bad qualities are coming out while here (eg. my lack of tolerance, insecurities, a bit uptight, quick to get frustrated etc).  Where is the balance between changing things about your personality and learning to accept yourself?  I often feel inadequate and still wonder why I’m here in Rwanda and part of this team.

Activities-wise, things have been fairly quiet.  A couple of weeks ago we went to the genocide memorial in Kigali.  I really didn’t know what to expect from it, but it was informative, well laid out, respectful, thought provoking, shocking and deeply upsetting.  I’m glad we visited, but it was also very good when we left – I couldn’t take much more of it.  The next day we went on a trip to Kibuye, by Lake Kivu.  The drive there was incredible – amazing scenery!  We stopped off at an impressive waterfall, but the best bit had to be the first glimpses of Lake Kivu.  The sun was setting, the light was amazing and it was beautiful and exciting to see the water.  We stayed over at a place run by nuns, then on the Saturday took a boat trip out to Napoleon Island, which is home to several thousand fruit bats and a herd of cows (yes really!).  It was good to go out and about, but also nice to come back to Cyakabiri (where we live) – it feels very familiar now.  Next week we will be travelling to Butare, Cyangug & Kigeme for almost 5 weeks.  I’m looking forward to seeing more of Rwanda and learning more about the people.

Last Saturday we took part in ‘Umuganda’, which is where people do community work on the morning of the last Saturday of the month.  We dug holes for and planted passion fruit trees.  I’ve had the fabric I bought made into trousers!  I’ve worn them to church here but I think they might just be pyjamas when I get home – they’re pretty crazy and bright!  The woman who made them works at the ‘Youth At Risk’ project next door to us.  Watching her churn out clothes and make alterations actually made me want to use my sewing machine again – something I haven’t felt like doing for a long time!  Given how I usually feel about being creative, I take this as a good sign!  I also taught the other girls how to make origami birds and did some mending of clothes.  This was perhaps the first time I really felt I was contributing something to the group.  It would be so good if I could go home with a more positive attitude to my creative skills (did I just admit I have creative skills?!).  Yesterday we had 2 amazing treats - homemade pizza (first time I've had cheese since leaving home) and a lesson on how to make samosas (complicated, don't get your hopes up mum!)!

I didn’t get a place on the CAP internship program.  I’m disappointed and don’t have the means to get feedback, so am not sure why.  At the same time, there’s not a lot I can do about looking or applying for something else while here.  I’m pleasantly surprised by the fact that I’m not really stressed and worked up about it.  Obviously the thought of going home with no idea of what the future holds isn’t ideal, but it’s not a disaster.  I’ve been thinking of Proverbs 3: 5-6 ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths’.  Hoping my parents aren’t too worried that I will be living with them forever?!

Prayer points would be:

-          That I wouldn’t worry about the future, instead trusting that God has something else in store for me (career advice/ job offers are welcome!)

-          That I would stop getting insect bites.  I’ve had over 50 in the past couple of weeks.  It’s pretty unpleasant waking up at night knowing you’re getting bitten but not knowing what it is, not being able to see them and not knowing how to stop it.  I’m getting better at not scratching but it would be nice if I didn’t get many/any more bites for a while!  Other than that I’m keeping healthy.

-          That I would continue to challenge myself but also give myself a break – it’s unrealistic to expect to change overnight and I could do with learning to accept myself a bit more, warts and all.  Where is that balance?

-          For safety as we travel around Rwanda from 8^th May till 8^th June.

Thanks again for reading my blog and for those who have left comments.  It means a lot to me!  Sorry I've not been able to regularly update it. Thanks also for the promises of post.  I’ve received 3 cards so far, which is lovely – it’s so special to hear from home.  (Congrats to Lynsey Stewart for being the first, second prize goes to Jennifer Morris)  I’m not sure how much if any internet access I’ll have from next week.  Will try to update the blog, or get mum and dad to do it for me.