Some Days

Some days I don’t particularly notice that I’m depressed. I get out of bed at a reasonable time, as soon as the alarm goes off. I do a full day at work. Cooking dinner is easy because I left something out the night before, or there’s fresh stuff in the fridge. I might see friends in the evening, or go swimming or out for a walk. I go to bed at a sensible time and sleep well.

 

Most days I notice it though.

 

Days like today are the worst. I feel this heaviness, like walking around with 10 encyclopedias on my head. I can’t face getting out of bed. I don’t want to go into work. I am desperately lonely but probably couldn’t face meeting up with someone or talking on the phone. Small things make me incredibly stressed and angry. I have to force myself to leave the flat. There’s hardly any food in the fridge. I binge on stuff that will distract me – Netflix, snacks, Candy Crush… I go to bed at 2am. I can’t sleep. I fluctuate wildly between feeling totally overwhelmed and feeling nothing.

 

I’ve seen depression illustrated as like a big black dog that follows you around. Mine tells me things like:

• Why even bother trying to start doing something creative, you’re no good at it and won’t like what you make anyway
• They’re not interested in what you have to say
• You can’t do this job – why not give up now?
• He doesn’t care about you. What, you think you actually mean something to him? Haha, don’t be so stupid.
• They only say those nice things because they are your parents and they have to
• You’re a disappointment
• She’s sick of having to pick up the slack from you
• You are never going to meet someone who will love you, want to get married and have a family. You had your chance and you blew it.
• You are unlovable, unaccepted and unforgiven. You will never experience that freedom that you so desperately want to have from being a Christian.
• Don’t even bother looking at that job advert, you won’t be able to do it
• Your friends just feel sorry for you, they don’t actually like you
• That flat and empty feeling inside - the one that sucks the life out of you - it's here to stay
• Even if you do come out the other side of this bout of depression, I’ll come back again. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.

 

I know these sound quite extreme. You may tell me that they’re all lies, and that I need to think positively, try and change my thought patterns etc. Of course I have moments when I can be rational, weighing up the evidence for and against. But depression is not rational or clear. It’s like being stuck in the middle of very thick fog. And in the heaviness of that fog, these feelings and thoughts are very real to me. Sometimes I feel like my insides are being crushed or twisted together. Or that I’m drowning.  

 

Have you ever tried to put a sleeping bag back into its little storage bag? This is my current coping strategy – to stuff as much as I can inside the bag, piling it all in on top of each other, pushing it further into the bag in the hopes that it will all fit inside and I can pull the cord closed and shove it to the back of the cupboard again. Occasionally I let a little bit out, air it and fold it up smaller and neater. But most of the time I just to try to hold it together. I can be quite good at it (much to the frustration of my counsellor). Sometimes it physically hurts to keep the bag closed – the concentration needed to hold it together leaves me feeling exhausted. Depression can have an anaesthetic effect as well as pain, and I welcome the numbness as it often seems like the only way to make it through another day.

 

 

Disclaimer:

Of course, this is just my experience of depression and it can differ hugely between individuals. I find using metaphors helpful (as I'm sure you might have noticed!), and hopefully this gives some insight into what depression is like.

Handle With Care

It's almost a year to the day since I came up with the idea of making a list of 30 things to do before I turn 30.  I had hoped I would finish it off today, but my helicopter flight was cancelled due to the miserable weather.  As with my hot air balloon ride, it's pretty understandable that getting the right conditions for these things when you live in Scotland isn't straight forward.  So I've rebooked it for June.  But at least I've got the voucher, and know it will happen at some point.

I've been 30 for over a month now.  I was about to write that it had been quite uneventful so far, but I don't think that's true.  It's easy to forget, even in that short space of time.

I was telling someone about my blog recently, and said that quite a few people had commented to me that I was often more honest in my blog than I was in face to face conversations.  I have to admit that there's a part of me that liked this - as if I had found a way to open up to people and a way for others to see the 'real' me.  But this person totally deflated that - 'just because people tell you that, doesn't mean it needs to be true'.  It's easy to hide behind a computer screen and type whatever you want - look at the soaring numbers of cases of cyber-bullying.  Social media gives us the option of being so very selective in what we tell the world.  It's easy to misrepresent the truth. 

The longer you put off doing something, the bigger and uglier and less appealing it becomes.  Have I become too used to being selective in what I say?  Too used at putting on a front?  Do I hide behind my blog?  I don't find it easy to make friends or to talk openly.  I can't even seem to tell my parents how I really feel and have kept a lot of things from my closest friends over the past year.  Sometimes I pinch my leg to stop myself from crying during conversations because I don't want to show that I'm upset.  I know it makes it harder for people to understand me when I don't give much away.  And it's pretty lonely.  There can be a place for putting on a front - not everyone needs to know all the details of my life.  I'm quite a private person and don't like others being nosey or gossiping about me.  It also becomes confusing when you get so many different pieces of advice, most well meaning, but not all helpful.  And then there are those who ask 'how are you?', but don't actually want an answer longer than 'fine'.

Often my problem is that I let other people do the majority of the talking.  I regularly come away from meeting up with people feeling frustrated that I wasn't given the chance to say what was on my mind.  Sometimes, like in work meetings, it just feels easier to sit back and be silent rather than try and get a word in.  Perhaps I need to make more of an effort in pushing myself to speak up.  Yes, I'm quiet.  But I have something to say, and I want the space to say it.  I'm just not very good at making the first move.

Sometimes the worst moments are when you do open up to someone and tell them exactly how you feel, and they don't respond the way you want them to.  They say nothing.  Or say something unintentionally hurtful or unhelpful.  And therein lies something of the complexity of human nature and relationships.  Who can really say they have a friend or relative that meets their every need, all of the time?  It's like being at the fairground on the dodgems, bumping onto other cars, sometimes accidentally and sometimes on purpose.  We all collide from time to time.  I think I'm feeling particularly bumped and bruised at the moment, and extra sensitive to how other people are with me.  Perhaps I need a 'fragile - handle with care' sticker to wear?