It's almost a year to the day since I came up with the idea of making a list of 30 things to do before I turn 30. I had hoped I would finish it off today, but my helicopter flight was cancelled due to the miserable weather. As with my hot air balloon ride, it's pretty understandable that getting the right conditions for these things when you live in Scotland isn't straight forward. So I've rebooked it for June. But at least I've got the voucher, and know it will happen at some point.
I've been 30 for over a month now. I was about to write that it had been quite uneventful so far, but I don't think that's true. It's easy to forget, even in that short space of time.
I was telling someone about my blog recently, and said that quite a few people had commented to me that I was often more honest in my blog than I was in face to face conversations. I have to admit that there's a part of me that liked this - as if I had found a way to open up to people and a way for others to see the 'real' me. But this person totally deflated that - 'just because people tell you that, doesn't mean it needs to be true'. It's easy to hide behind a computer screen and type whatever you want - look at the soaring numbers of cases of cyber-bullying. Social media gives us the option of being so very selective in what we tell the world. It's easy to misrepresent the truth.
The longer you put off doing something, the bigger and uglier and less appealing it becomes. Have I become too used to being selective in what I say? Too used at putting on a front? Do I hide behind my blog? I don't find it easy to make friends or to talk openly. I can't even seem to tell my parents how I really feel and have kept a lot of things from my closest friends over the past year. Sometimes I pinch my leg to stop myself from crying during conversations because I don't want to show that I'm upset. I know it makes it harder for people to understand me when I don't give much away. And it's pretty lonely. There can be a place for putting on a front - not everyone needs to know all the details of my life. I'm quite a private person and don't like others being nosey or gossiping about me. It also becomes confusing when you get so many different pieces of advice, most well meaning, but not all helpful. And then there are those who ask 'how are you?', but don't actually want an answer longer than 'fine'.
Often my problem is that I let other people do the majority of the talking. I regularly come away from meeting up with people feeling frustrated that I wasn't given the chance to say what was on my mind. Sometimes, like in work meetings, it just feels easier to sit back and be silent rather than try and get a word in. Perhaps I need to make more of an effort in pushing myself to speak up. Yes, I'm quiet. But I have something to say, and I want the space to say it. I'm just not very good at making the first move.
Sometimes the worst moments are when you do open up to someone and tell them exactly how you feel, and they don't respond the way you want them to. They say nothing. Or say something unintentionally hurtful or unhelpful. And therein lies something of the complexity of human nature and relationships. Who can really say they have a friend or relative that meets their every need, all of the time? It's like being at the fairground on the dodgems, bumping onto other cars, sometimes accidentally and sometimes on purpose. We all collide from time to time. I think I'm feeling particularly bumped and bruised at the moment, and extra sensitive to how other people are with me. Perhaps I need a 'fragile - handle with care' sticker to wear?
I've been 30 for over a month now. I was about to write that it had been quite uneventful so far, but I don't think that's true. It's easy to forget, even in that short space of time.
I was telling someone about my blog recently, and said that quite a few people had commented to me that I was often more honest in my blog than I was in face to face conversations. I have to admit that there's a part of me that liked this - as if I had found a way to open up to people and a way for others to see the 'real' me. But this person totally deflated that - 'just because people tell you that, doesn't mean it needs to be true'. It's easy to hide behind a computer screen and type whatever you want - look at the soaring numbers of cases of cyber-bullying. Social media gives us the option of being so very selective in what we tell the world. It's easy to misrepresent the truth.
The longer you put off doing something, the bigger and uglier and less appealing it becomes. Have I become too used to being selective in what I say? Too used at putting on a front? Do I hide behind my blog? I don't find it easy to make friends or to talk openly. I can't even seem to tell my parents how I really feel and have kept a lot of things from my closest friends over the past year. Sometimes I pinch my leg to stop myself from crying during conversations because I don't want to show that I'm upset. I know it makes it harder for people to understand me when I don't give much away. And it's pretty lonely. There can be a place for putting on a front - not everyone needs to know all the details of my life. I'm quite a private person and don't like others being nosey or gossiping about me. It also becomes confusing when you get so many different pieces of advice, most well meaning, but not all helpful. And then there are those who ask 'how are you?', but don't actually want an answer longer than 'fine'.
Often my problem is that I let other people do the majority of the talking. I regularly come away from meeting up with people feeling frustrated that I wasn't given the chance to say what was on my mind. Sometimes, like in work meetings, it just feels easier to sit back and be silent rather than try and get a word in. Perhaps I need to make more of an effort in pushing myself to speak up. Yes, I'm quiet. But I have something to say, and I want the space to say it. I'm just not very good at making the first move.
Sometimes the worst moments are when you do open up to someone and tell them exactly how you feel, and they don't respond the way you want them to. They say nothing. Or say something unintentionally hurtful or unhelpful. And therein lies something of the complexity of human nature and relationships. Who can really say they have a friend or relative that meets their every need, all of the time? It's like being at the fairground on the dodgems, bumping onto other cars, sometimes accidentally and sometimes on purpose. We all collide from time to time. I think I'm feeling particularly bumped and bruised at the moment, and extra sensitive to how other people are with me. Perhaps I need a 'fragile - handle with care' sticker to wear?
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