Some Days

Some days I don’t particularly notice that I’m depressed. I get out of bed at a reasonable time, as soon as the alarm goes off. I do a full day at work. Cooking dinner is easy because I left something out the night before, or there’s fresh stuff in the fridge. I might see friends in the evening, or go swimming or out for a walk. I go to bed at a sensible time and sleep well.

 

Most days I notice it though.

 

Days like today are the worst. I feel this heaviness, like walking around with 10 encyclopedias on my head. I can’t face getting out of bed. I don’t want to go into work. I am desperately lonely but probably couldn’t face meeting up with someone or talking on the phone. Small things make me incredibly stressed and angry. I have to force myself to leave the flat. There’s hardly any food in the fridge. I binge on stuff that will distract me – Netflix, snacks, Candy Crush… I go to bed at 2am. I can’t sleep. I fluctuate wildly between feeling totally overwhelmed and feeling nothing.

 

I’ve seen depression illustrated as like a big black dog that follows you around. Mine tells me things like:

• Why even bother trying to start doing something creative, you’re no good at it and won’t like what you make anyway
• They’re not interested in what you have to say
• You can’t do this job – why not give up now?
• He doesn’t care about you. What, you think you actually mean something to him? Haha, don’t be so stupid.
• They only say those nice things because they are your parents and they have to
• You’re a disappointment
• She’s sick of having to pick up the slack from you
• You are never going to meet someone who will love you, want to get married and have a family. You had your chance and you blew it.
• You are unlovable, unaccepted and unforgiven. You will never experience that freedom that you so desperately want to have from being a Christian.
• Don’t even bother looking at that job advert, you won’t be able to do it
• Your friends just feel sorry for you, they don’t actually like you
• That flat and empty feeling inside - the one that sucks the life out of you - it's here to stay
• Even if you do come out the other side of this bout of depression, I’ll come back again. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.

 

I know these sound quite extreme. You may tell me that they’re all lies, and that I need to think positively, try and change my thought patterns etc. Of course I have moments when I can be rational, weighing up the evidence for and against. But depression is not rational or clear. It’s like being stuck in the middle of very thick fog. And in the heaviness of that fog, these feelings and thoughts are very real to me. Sometimes I feel like my insides are being crushed or twisted together. Or that I’m drowning.  

 

Have you ever tried to put a sleeping bag back into its little storage bag? This is my current coping strategy – to stuff as much as I can inside the bag, piling it all in on top of each other, pushing it further into the bag in the hopes that it will all fit inside and I can pull the cord closed and shove it to the back of the cupboard again. Occasionally I let a little bit out, air it and fold it up smaller and neater. But most of the time I just to try to hold it together. I can be quite good at it (much to the frustration of my counsellor). Sometimes it physically hurts to keep the bag closed – the concentration needed to hold it together leaves me feeling exhausted. Depression can have an anaesthetic effect as well as pain, and I welcome the numbness as it often seems like the only way to make it through another day.

 

 

Disclaimer:

Of course, this is just my experience of depression and it can differ hugely between individuals. I find using metaphors helpful (as I'm sure you might have noticed!), and hopefully this gives some insight into what depression is like.