One step at a time

This past week has felt harder to keep motivated about my photo-a-day project.  I guess the novelty has worn off slightly, and I'm starting to realise that I need to remember to do this every day for the next 339 days...  It's a little daunting.  I've had a couple of days where my photo has been of something fairly ordinary - my dinner, a plant, yet another hot chocolate...  And maybe that's ok, it doesn't have to be extra special - as long as it makes me smile.  This is something I should want to do, not something I feel that I have to do.  Doing what you know is good for you isn't always easy though (demonstrated by me staying in and eating chocolate and shortbread the other night, instead of going for a swim like I had planned).

 

It's hard to explain, but recovering from depression can be hard.  It's tiring and it takes effort.  You have to be thinking about the choices you make.  Not just things like what you're going to have for dinner (although I still find that hard enough at times!).  It's thinking about what you think about.  It's choosing to fight where your mind automatically goes, stopping it and then sending yourself down a different path.  And that can be exhausting when you've got 30 years of defaults to work through.

 

I can give a few examples of where I've got this right and wrong over the past few months.
 

Right:

Something was said to me at work a few weeks ago, which really upset me and made me doubt my abilities to do my job properly.  It shook me up, but once I'd calmed down I was able to take a step back and see where the comments had come from.  It's not that I was being criticised personally or professionally.  I needed to consciously stop and decide not to go down the angry/ upset/ self deprecating route that I normally take, but instead take it at face value and deal with it.  And listen to that small part of me that knows I am doing a good job and that I work hard.

 

Wrong:

When I met up with  guy and it didn't go as well as I had hoped.  I told myself he'd only met up with me to be polite, had no interest in me at all and that it was always going to be like this.  I was never going to meet someone who could get past my quietness to see something of worth.  I went from one occasion to deciding my whole future.  Catastrophising.

 

This may sound strange, but there's a sense of comfort or familiarity with depression, like an old pair of jeans.  It's not that I like being depressed, but there are fewer unknowns than when I'm doing ok.  And there's a terrible part of me that doesn't know what to say when people tell me that it's great that I'm doing better.  Yes, it is great.  But I'm scared that I'll go unnoticed now that I'm 'better'.  I don't like admitting that because I think it makes me sound like an attention seeker.

 

There's also part of depression that is soul destroying and awful.  I think back to where I was 12 months ago, and it's a very dark place.  I'm glad not to be there anymore.  I'm glad the fog has cleared.  Yes, I do wonder if I'll go through this again in the future.  But I'm taking small steps towards avoiding that, or at least being better prepared for the fight.  One step at a time, one punch at a time, one round at a time.

Day 16: Baby it's cold outside

 

Starting Out

Fifteen days down and so far I've managed to take a photo everyday!  There are times where I feel like I'm taking a photo for the sake of it, having got to the end of the day and not taken enough time to pause and look.  And there are things which aren't easy to photograph - a phone conversation with a friend, seeing some blue sky as I drive to work, a great song on the radio...

 

But there are also days when I know that I'm intentionally setting out to look for something that will make me smile.  And it's that word 'intentional' that has been a big help to me already.  I've talked a lot with my counsellor about getting to a place where I can make choices, rather than just resorting to my defaults.  And I feel like this is a big step forward in that.  I'm choosing to go out for a walk even if it is cold and I'd rather stay inside.  Instead of putting my head down and getting through the day, I'm stopping to get back out of my car to take a photo of the ice on the roof (even if there is a guy trying to park right next to me at the time, and even if I am running late for work).  I'm thinking about how I enjoy wrapping presents for people.  I'm enjoying using Instagram and deciding which filter to use or which hashtags to tag my photo with.

 

I'm not saying I've turned into someone who dances down the road with birds and squirrels following me...  But I know this project is helping.  I know this is good for me.

 

So here are my photos so far.  You should hopefully be able to click on the image to see a larger version.  And even if you don't have Instagram, you can check this link to see the photos that I add: www.instagram.com/muhanga12

 

 

Day 1: Fairy lights on trees, Byres Road; Day 2: Mmm, chocolate pudding; Day 3: Mugdock Park; Day 4: Holly bush in Hyndland; Day 5: A day in Edinburgh with my bestie; Day 6: My mum trying on Christmas wreaths in Dobbies (ok, I made her do it); Day 7: Pretty copper star lights above my bed; Day 8: Last long lie of the holidays; Day 9: Wrapping presents & watching Netflix

 

Day 10: Chilling with some candles; Day 11: Chocolate bunny to hurry Spring along; Day 12: You know you live in Glasgow when buckfast is the special offer on the door; Day 13: Ice patterns on my car; Day 14: Amazing light and shadows in the Botanic Gardens; Day 15: Pizza Friday

Hello, it's me

It's been a while since I last blogged, and the first day of a new year seems like a good time to put some thoughts down.  I can't say I'm a fan of New Year, but it is an opportunity to do a bit of reflecting on the year that's just ended and looking to the year ahead.  Some people make resolutions, but I know they don't work for me - I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail. 

 

I know I have a natural tendency towards pessimism, and that my default thinking patterns are often quite negative.  When I think about the kind of person I would like to be, I often think to the other extreme of what I am - someone who is (nearly) always positive and happy, outgoing, popular, the life and soul.  But that's just not me.  I'm never going to feel totally comfortable being the centre of attention, and I can't see myself as that person who everybody wants to be friends with.  And that's ok.

 

I would like to feel better about life and myself, but 'trying to be happier' sounds forced.  Instead of trying to make myself be a different person or be a 'happy' person, I'm going to take a step back.  My non-resolution New Year's resolution is to do or find something everyday that makes me smile.  So I'm not trying to force a feeling, but am being more intentional about looking for and recognising positives in my day to day life.  More positive thoughts will hopefully bring more positive feelings, right?!  It doesn't have to be anything huge.  In fact the more simple things are probably better.

 

The plan is to take a photograph everyday this year, posting it on Instagram, in order to encourage my creative side as well.  You can follow me on www.instagram.com/muhanga12  I'll share some of them on facebook and here on my blog from time to time.  I'm hoping this will be good for me, in the same way that my list of '30 things to do before I turn 30' was.  I know it helps if I have a project.  Something to focus on.

 

I very much doubt that this is a new idea.  In fact there are plenty of other people on Instagram using hashtags associated with this kind of project - #366days, #366smiles, #project366 etc.  I won't be setting a theme for each day like some photo challenges, but just finding something that makes me smile.  Hopefully I'll achieve some things along the way that I would have set as resolutions (if I was into setting resolutions), such as getting fitter, losing weight, valuing my friendships more, doing more art....

 

Today' photo was of some trees covered in lights on University Avenue, in Glasgow's Westend.  I love fairy lights, at any time of year.  And having spent most of today indoors, it made me smile to see something pretty as I was out for a walk.