This past week has felt harder to keep motivated about my photo-a-day project. I guess the novelty has worn off slightly, and I'm starting to realise that I need to remember to do this every day for the next 339 days... It's a little daunting. I've had a couple of days where my photo has been of something fairly ordinary - my dinner, a plant, yet another hot chocolate... And maybe that's ok, it doesn't have to be extra special - as long as it makes me smile. This is something I should want to do, not something I feel that I have to do. Doing what you know is good for you isn't always easy though (demonstrated by me staying in and eating chocolate and shortbread the other night, instead of going for a swim like I had planned).
It's hard to explain, but recovering from depression can be hard. It's tiring and it takes effort. You have to be thinking about the choices you make. Not just things like what you're going to have for dinner (although I still find that hard enough at times!). It's thinking about what you think about. It's choosing to fight where your mind automatically goes, stopping it and then sending yourself down a different path. And that can be exhausting when you've got 30 years of defaults to work through.
I can give a few examples of where I've got this right and wrong over the past few months.
Right:
Something was said to me at work a few weeks ago, which really upset me and made me doubt my abilities to do my job properly. It shook me up, but once I'd calmed down I was able to take a step back and see where the comments had come from. It's not that I was being criticised personally or professionally. I needed to consciously stop and decide not to go down the angry/ upset/ self deprecating route that I normally take, but instead take it at face value and deal with it. And listen to that small part of me that knows I am doing a good job and that I work hard.
Wrong:
When I met up with guy and it didn't go as well as I had hoped. I told myself he'd only met up with me to be polite, had no interest in me at all and that it was always going to be like this. I was never going to meet someone who could get past my quietness to see something of worth. I went from one occasion to deciding my whole future. Catastrophising.
This may sound strange, but there's a sense of comfort or familiarity with depression, like an old pair of jeans. It's not that I like being depressed, but there are fewer unknowns than when I'm doing ok. And there's a terrible part of me that doesn't know what to say when people tell me that it's great that I'm doing better. Yes, it is great. But I'm scared that I'll go unnoticed now that I'm 'better'. I don't like admitting that because I think it makes me sound like an attention seeker.
There's also part of depression that is soul destroying and awful. I think back to where I was 12 months ago, and it's a very dark place. I'm glad not to be there anymore. I'm glad the fog has cleared. Yes, I do wonder if I'll go through this again in the future. But I'm taking small steps towards avoiding that, or at least being better prepared for the fight. One step at a time, one punch at a time, one round at a time.
Day 16: Baby it's cold outside
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