This time last year, I was coming to terms with the fact that I was now in my thirties. Something I had been dreading, and making sure everyone knew how I felt about it! This year my birthday snuck up on me, and I haven’t had time to think too much about it. Possibly a good thing.
Turning 31 definitely feels less of a big deal than turning 30, and I know that I’m in a much better place than I was this time last year. Sure, I still have some of the same fears, most of which I’ve talked about on this blog. I think some of my friends think I’m ridiculous and am over-reacting; I do feel self-conscious about appearing desperate or needy. But I also realise that trying to deny these feelings and fears is unhealthy.
One of the things that I’ve learned over the past year is that I can’t keep defining my self-worth by what other people think of me (or what I perceive they think of me). There is something in my head that equates being in a relationship with being accepted. That my value as a person would be greater if someone thought well enough of me to want to be in a relationship with me. So being single sends the message to my head that I’m not good enough, not pretty or nice or funny enough, that there’s something wrong with me. It’s a big step for me to recognise that this is wrong. I don’t think this is restricted to being in a relationship, as I know I can be unhealthily sensitive about friendships too.
Making changes takes time and work. I’ve done a lot of reflecting over the past year, and can see how different parts of my life have affected me and led to the place and person I am now (for both better and worse). It’s often not until after the event that we can have understanding and insight, and then apply that learning. I’ve lost the naivety that used to lead me to believe that everything would work out the way I hoped – that all my ducks would end up in a nice, neat row. I’m not trying to sound pessimistic (although I know I have a natural tendency to be), but who am I to say for certain how the next 10 year of my life will turn out?
What I am trying to say is that although there is still a lot of uncertainty in my life, I want to do what I can to make positive changes and be able to enjoy the here and now, instead of worry about the past and future. So I’m gradually trying to change my self-perception and base my self-worth on something more solid. Good foundations are essential to a strong and sturdy house. Sure there are plenty of areas that still need work, but it's all about baby steps right?
With all that in mind, here are the latest photos from my photo-a-day project… Follow me at www.instagram.com/whatkt_didnext
Day 76: That's how the cookie crumbles; Day 77: Oh my cod! The fish supper I've been craving; Day 78: In my pjs before 6pm on a Friday night #rocknroll; Day 79: Celebratory afternoon tea;
Day 80: A very busy little bee collecting pollen in the sunshine; Day 81: My lovely mother refusing to be in my photo; Day 82: Waking up to blue skies; Day 83: A brood of Easter chicks
Day 84: Getting excited to see Adele live!; Day 85: An amazing evening listening to an incredible voice at the Hydro; Day 86: Framed confetti from last night
Day 87: A mid-cooking dash to get some eggs for making dinner; Day 88: Finding pretty lights on an evening walk; Day 89: Classic Glasgow weather - sun to hail stones in the space of 30 minutes;
Day 90: Westend landmarks; Day 91: The sun has got his hat on!; Day 92: Early birthday dinner & desserts;
Day 93: Birthday flowers, brownie & cards; Day 94: Continuing my birthday weekend with red velvet cake; Day 95: Bright colours to banish Monday blues
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