Open Wounds

I've been thinking about vulnerability recently, and the impact that this can have on people.  I think there is a huge amount of value in vulnerability, but also recognise that it needs to be used with caution.  There are times when people just need to talk and to be heard.  It's not going to be helpful if I open up about my own experiences of that situation and make 'helpful' suggestions.  But equally sometimes it takes opening up about something I've gone through to help other people feel comfortable enough to express their own feelings.  We can be surprised to learn that we're not alone in feeling awkward in a particular situation or that we share similar struggles in life with the person that you thought had it all together.

 

I've been pretty open at times on this blog, and it's made me feel quite vulnerable afterwards.  But I know that some people have really identified with what I've written and that it's been helpful to them to know that they are not alone in feeling like that.  Which in turn has helped me to feel like I'm not alone, and has encouraged me that what I've been through might help others in a very small way.  I don't see vulnerability as a weakness.  When used appropriately, it can be a real strength.

 

Having said that, there are definite disadvantages to vulnerability as well.  I've been in situations over the past year where I've said too much, trying to get the other person to reciprocate and let down their defence walls in order to let me near them.  You can't force closeness, and I think that's what I was trying to do.  The consequences are that I've been badly hurt, feel totally rejected and am left wishing I had kept better boundaries.  It's a bit like love - it can feel amazing and free-ing, but it can also leave you feeling trapped and exposed, and open to pain, hurt and betrayal.

 

It could be easy to walk away or to close off from others after experiences like that.  But I believe there is value in persisting and showing that person that you don't want to give up on them.  That they are worth fighting for and giving them that second or third or tenth chance.  As a Christian, I want to demonstrate forgiveness to others, just as God has forgiven me and given me chance after chance despite all the things I keep doing.  But how many times do you need to be hurt before you decide to walk away?  Yes, I believe in forgiveness, but that doesn't mean I need or should keep that person in my life if the friendship is not good for me.  Many of the things I struggle with in life are rooted in feeling lonely and afraid of being alone.  But as my mum reminds me, it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.  That can be even lonelier than being on your own.

 

Bruises and wounds heal with time, and I've been encouraged recently by being able to use some of my past experiences and struggles to support some dear friends.  And even as I sit and write this, I know that I can learn from the hurt and loneliness I'm feeling today and maybe use it to help someone in the future.  So I will keep trying to be open and making myself vulnerable, sharing my mistakes and experiences, what I'm learning and what I think needs to change in my life.  But I will try to be more careful about protecting myself, setting healthy boundaries and recognising when my intentions aren't helpful.  I will also keep trying to make myself available to people and give them time to speak and be heard, in order that they at least have the opportunity to open up, should they wish or need to.

 

 

On another note, these are the things that have been making me smile recently...

 

 

Day 132: All this sun is making me want to eat so much healthier; Day 133: Beauty in nature; Day 134: This guy totally came to my rescue this evening after a burst tyre. Thank God for breakdown cover!; Day 135: Treated myself to this wee beauty in work; Day 136: (large) Just had to stop the car & jump over a wall to capture this beautiful sunset & view of the Trossachs; Day 137: Late night kitchen snacking; Day 138: The words on this card made me laugh and cry. So grateful for my best friend, Lynsey.; Day 139: Found the BFG's dream blower!; Day 140: Getting to spend time with Rita, Founder of Dwelling Places

 

Day 141: Right now, there's no place I'd rather be; Day 142: Absolutely needed an evening on the sofa; Day 143: Beautiful colours in the sunshine; Day 144: Feeling almost tropical with these hot pink flowers just outside my door; Day 145: New discovery of the week: bulgar wheat. Nicer than it sounds!; Day 146: Checking up on maw and paw (aka free dinner and an ice cream sitting in the garden); Day 147: Oh hello swiss chocolate!; Day 148: Ultimate multi-tasking... a hairdrying, breakfast eating selfie; Day 149: The sweet smell of honeysuckle in the evening sunshine; Day 150: Officially a church member now

We all fall down

The trouble about blogging when things are going well is that it's easy to feel knocked sideways the next time you have a wobbly moment and wonder if you have spoken too soon.  I received some lovely comments after my last post, which has been very encouraging.  And it's not that anything drastic has happened, but a sharp reminder of a hurtful event has punched me in the stomach this evening.  I could so easily slip back into that pit, falling right past the sign post 'this way for despair, self-pity and regret'.  I'm doing my very best not to open the bar of chocolate that is sitting beside my right now (it's a present for a friend), but it would be much less effort to just open it and stuff my face.

 

The trouble with people is that we need them in our lives, but they can hurt us and we can hurt them.  It's like going on the dodgems at the fairground.  Even if you're driving as carefully as possible it's almost inevitable that you'll hit someone or have someone bump into you.  Or feel the effects of a nearby collision.

 

Is the answer to wait until the ride is empty and then go on yourself?  I don't think.  In some ways I'd like to be in a place where I don't feel pain and hurt.  But if you can't feel these emotions, then neither can you feel joy, love and some of the amazing moments that are dotted throughout our lives.

 

I could elaborate into cheesy analogies about needing a good co-pilot or making sure you wear your seatbelt....  But truthfully, I don't have the answers on how to get the right balance.  And I think that's ok.  I'm not sure any us do.

Jetsetting and Reflecting

I've done an unusual amount of travelling recently - a few days in Istanbul with my dad, a weekend in Cornwall with friends and then a weekend in Northern Ireland for work.  6 flights in the space of 21 days, for 3 very different trips - I think I better plant a few trees to compensate for all that carbon footprint!

 

As good as those three trips were in their own ways, I'm glad to settle back into a quieter routine.  Quieter perhaps isn't the right word, given that from this week onwards I'm going to be working 6 days a week between two jobs.  It's going to be tiring but I'm just so pleased to have a bit more stability in my life again.

 

I had my last session of counselling yesterday.  It's been harder to fit the sessions in recently, but it's also been useful for me to see how I've coped without having that safe place and listening ear every week.  I often find that once you come out the other side of a difficult time that it's hard to remember how bad it was in the midst of it.  Perhaps that's one benefit of keeping a journal.  It was almost a year ago exactly that I wrote the following:

 

            I just feel flat, empty and a bit dead inside.  What is the point?

 

And a few days later:

 

          You know things are bad when even your counsellor is telling you that you've hit rock bottom.

 

I won't claim to be 'sorted' or 'fixed'.  Depression and mental health don't work like that.  But I have worked hard to sort through a lot of painful memories and squashed down emotions over the past 18 months.  I'm aware of sounding pathetically cheesy here, and I don't want to claim that I'm a new person or have reached a place of fully accepting myself.  But my counsellor asked me what I thought the Katie of the future looked like, and for the first time in a long time (perhaps ever) I couldn't think of anything much that I wanted to be different.

 

You have to recognise what a big deal that is for me.  I used to tell my mum that I wanted a personality transplant for birthdays or Christmas.  I used to day dream about being a totally different person and how great it would be.  But I'm never going to be the life and soul of the party, and that's ok.  I don't need to be the popular kid, the one with the guy, the prettiest, sportiest, hundreds of facebook friends, packed social life, the stick thin kid.  I can be the gentle, good listener, compassionate, creative, trustworthy, kind, hard working, perceptive and thoughtful kid.  I can be the person I am and was already.  (And that's not to say that popular people aren't kind, they just don't tend to be that great at listening from my experience.)

 

Sure, there are things I still need to work on like my self-confidence, social life and fears of being alone.  But I'd say reaching this level of self-acceptance instead of self-loathing is a pretty good place to start from.  It's freeing.

 

Here are my photos from the past couple of weeks.  Click on the photos to see larger versions.

 

Day 118: Enjoying a blast of sunshine in between the snow showers!; Day 119: It's definitely been a week for journaling - glad to be able to write things down and have space to process; Day 121: When in Cornwall...; Day 122: Returning home after a fab weekend in Cornwall with some fab friends: Day 123: Sometimes you just need a wee cry on the phone with your mammy to remind you that the sun will shine again; Day 124: Oh so pretty packaging; Day 125: Blue & silver ribbon on a baby gift for a friend; Day 126: Oh I do love a good sunset: Day 127: Another day, another bird's eye view (of the Clyde): Day 128: Great to see this lovely lady again so soon; Day 129: Sunshine & tulips for a lazy Sunday afternoon; Day 131: Pastel colours & sunshine peeking through the blinds in work

 

 

Day 120: Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

(Could this beach be any more beautiful?)

 

 

Day 130: Enjoyed a quieter day & a chance to do some reflecting