I've been thinking about vulnerability recently, and the impact that this can have on people. I think there is a huge amount of value in vulnerability, but also recognise that it needs to be used with caution. There are times when people just need to talk and to be heard. It's not going to be helpful if I open up about my own experiences of that situation and make 'helpful' suggestions. But equally sometimes it takes opening up about something I've gone through to help other people feel comfortable enough to express their own feelings. We can be surprised to learn that we're not alone in feeling awkward in a particular situation or that we share similar struggles in life with the person that you thought had it all together.
I've been pretty open at times on this blog, and it's made me feel quite vulnerable afterwards. But I know that some people have really identified with what I've written and that it's been helpful to them to know that they are not alone in feeling like that. Which in turn has helped me to feel like I'm not alone, and has encouraged me that what I've been through might help others in a very small way. I don't see vulnerability as a weakness. When used appropriately, it can be a real strength.
Having said that, there are definite disadvantages to vulnerability as well. I've been in situations over the past year where I've said too much, trying to get the other person to reciprocate and let down their defence walls in order to let me near them. You can't force closeness, and I think that's what I was trying to do. The consequences are that I've been badly hurt, feel totally rejected and am left wishing I had kept better boundaries. It's a bit like love - it can feel amazing and free-ing, but it can also leave you feeling trapped and exposed, and open to pain, hurt and betrayal.
It could be easy to walk away or to close off from others after experiences like that. But I believe there is value in persisting and showing that person that you don't want to give up on them. That they are worth fighting for and giving them that second or third or tenth chance. As a Christian, I want to demonstrate forgiveness to others, just as God has forgiven me and given me chance after chance despite all the things I keep doing. But how many times do you need to be hurt before you decide to walk away? Yes, I believe in forgiveness, but that doesn't mean I need or should keep that person in my life if the friendship is not good for me. Many of the things I struggle with in life are rooted in feeling lonely and afraid of being alone. But as my mum reminds me, it's better to be alone than with the wrong person. That can be even lonelier than being on your own.
Bruises and wounds heal with time, and I've been encouraged recently by being able to use some of my past experiences and struggles to support some dear friends. And even as I sit and write this, I know that I can learn from the hurt and loneliness I'm feeling today and maybe use it to help someone in the future. So I will keep trying to be open and making myself vulnerable, sharing my mistakes and experiences, what I'm learning and what I think needs to change in my life. But I will try to be more careful about protecting myself, setting healthy boundaries and recognising when my intentions aren't helpful. I will also keep trying to make myself available to people and give them time to speak and be heard, in order that they at least have the opportunity to open up, should they wish or need to.
On another note, these are the things that have been making me smile recently...
Day 132: All this sun is making me want to eat so much healthier; Day 133: Beauty in nature; Day 134: This guy totally came to my rescue this evening after a burst tyre. Thank God for breakdown cover!; Day 135: Treated myself to this wee beauty in work; Day 136: (large) Just had to stop the car & jump over a wall to capture this beautiful sunset & view of the Trossachs; Day 137: Late night kitchen snacking; Day 138: The words on this card made me laugh and cry. So grateful for my best friend, Lynsey.; Day 139: Found the BFG's dream blower!; Day 140: Getting to spend time with Rita, Founder of Dwelling Places
Day 141: Right now, there's no place I'd rather be; Day 142: Absolutely needed an evening on the sofa; Day 143: Beautiful colours in the sunshine; Day 144: Feeling almost tropical with these hot pink flowers just outside my door; Day 145: New discovery of the week: bulgar wheat. Nicer than it sounds!; Day 146: Checking up on maw and paw (aka free dinner and an ice cream sitting in the garden); Day 147: Oh hello swiss chocolate!; Day 148: Ultimate multi-tasking... a hairdrying, breakfast eating selfie; Day 149: The sweet smell of honeysuckle in the evening sunshine; Day 150: Officially a church member now
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