Good Intentions

As much as I recognise that I’m a home bird at heart, there’s a part of me that would like to stay here for longer than just 3 weeks.  I like being with the staff at Dwelling Places, there’s plenty of work for me to get on with, and it is so useful being able to talk about things face to face.  I like Uganda, and would love to spend more time exploring and getting to know the place. 

But I also recognise that 3 weeks barely scratches the surface.  How well can I really get to know people in that time?  How much can I learn about Dwelling Places, their successes, challenges, frustrations and how they operate?  Do I really have any understanding of Ugandan culture?  Or the harsh realities facing children who live on the street?  I’ve driven through Kampala a few times now, and often only noticed the children on the streets out of the corner of my eye.  A girl outside the supermarket with a small baby in her arms.  The boys sleeping on the grass in the middle of a busy roundabout.  I’ve met a few of the kids who have been rescued and are currently living in the homes at DP.  But do I know any of their names?  Would I recognise them in the street?  I feel unsure about how to interact with them.

Yes, I want to work for a charity and yes, I want to help people.  But am I limiting myself to doing that from a place of comfort?  Am I prepared to come to Uganda, but still want to keep myself emotionally and physically distant from the core of DP’s ethos?  It’s so easy to lose sight of the children when I’m stuck at my desk in Glasgow, so what’s my excuse now that I’m in Kampala?

I struggle for money.  I often feel skint, and increasingly have to use my savings to get by every month.  By Scotland’s standards, I’m in a low income household.  And yet in global terms, I am up there in the highest percentage of wealthiest people.  How can I match those two statistics up in my life?  What does it meant to be locally poor but globally wealthy?  These two realities collide and confuse me.

I came here with good intentions, but I feel like it’s not enough.  I’m not saying that to sound morally superior or pretentious (it actually frustrates me that people think I’m a ‘good person’ just because I work for a charity).  But it’s not enough to come and sit in the office all day.  It’s not enough to come and get a token selfie with a child.  It’s not enough.  What am I willing to give?  What am I willing to give up?

Near and far

I’ve been in Uganda for a week now, and it still feels quite surreal to be here.  It also feels strangely familiar.  The dusty, bumpy roads.  Crazy traffic.  Wee shops everywhere.  Kids calling ‘Hello muzungu!  How are you muzungu?’ 

However, this time is different.  I’m here on my own rather than with a team – a huge thing for me.  I didn’t think I would do something like this by myself, or that I’d even be able to manage it.  I’ve never travelled this far alone before.  I was worried that people wouldn’t like me.  I’m too quiet and shy.  I’m not brave enough.

And yet, here I am!  I travelled on my own, the world hasn’t ended and people have been very friendly and welcoming to me.  I’m in Uganda for just over 3 weeks, at Dwelling Places, the NGO that Dwelling Places UK (who I work for) partner with.  It’s great to finally meet so many of my colleagues who until now I’ve only communicated with by email and on skype.  It’s good to now have a picture of where everyone works, the different parts of Dwelling Places and how it all works together, and where DP UK fits in.

I’ve been part of review meetings and am working with the team to help improve some of the programmes.  Even as I write that, I can’t quite believe I’m here for work – me?!  I’m more of a background person, let other people take the lead and do the talking.  But I’m sitting in meetings with something to say and people who are listening to my opinions.  That might sound stupid, but it I’m used to people assuming that I have nothing to say.

My hope is that these few weeks will be really beneficial to me, personally and professionally.  And that I’ll give myself the chance to enjoy being back in Africa.  I’d been so focused on coming here to work that I hadn’t thought at all about spare time or the weekends.  But it would be good to see some of Kampala.  Only 4 mosquito bites so far, and no fleas yet…  Phew!

Sweaty Betty... or should it be Tomato Face

23. Climb a munro

 

Today I made it to the top of the my first munro!  I'm really pleased to have done it, although I feel shattered and know my legs will be aching for the next few days.  Must. Get. Fitter...

 

My dad (aka mountain man) completed all 282 munros last April, so was in a good position to advise me on which one to try.  He suggested Schiehallion, near Aberfeldy, as it's 'an iconic isolated peak, with fantastic views'.  It's also pretty easy.

 

So off we set this morning, with mum waving at the window and our rucksacks full of cereal bars and extra layers.  I felt a bit out of place arriving at the car park with lots of other people setting off at the same time as us.  It embarrasses me that I get out of breath so quickly, and have to walk at a snail's pace.  But thankfully dad is good at encouraging me to just go steady, reminding me that it's not a race to the top. 

 

There was only a wee shower on the way up, and although the cloud was down when we arrived at the top, it soon cleared to show off the views.  And, as promised, they were fantastic!  (click on the photos to see larger versions)

 

Here's proof that I made it!

 

I made a joke about having champagne to celebrate at the top, and dad whipped out some cider and my favourite kind of chocolates to go with our lunch!  It was baltic at the top, so we stayed long enough to down the cider and eat our lunch and then legged it back over the scree to get out of the wind.

 

I've enjoyed discovering my inner outdoorsiness, and am pleased (relieved) that I was able to do it!  I know my legs will ache for the next few days, but it was worth it.  Somehow I can't quite see myself setting out to climb all the munros, but I may be persuaded to do a bit more walking.  As long as there are chocolates involved!

 Love this.  Whoever pairs towns has a sense of humour!



Happy half birthday to me!

Today marks half way through the last year of my twenties.  Only 6 months left.  I wish it didn't bother me so much, and I sometimes think I'm probably making turning 30 into a much bigger deal than it needs to be.  Two of my friends have turned 30 over the past few months, and the world hasn't ended for them...  That's encouraging, right?!

 

My list of '30 things to do before I'm 30' is going quite slowly, with only 3 fully completed.  I've taken a month's break from Facebook (no.5), completed a 30 day photography project (no.16) and tried a new arty skill (no.18).  However I do have another 11 items in progress/ planned...

 

1. Volunteer for a good cause - I head to Uganda soon to work for Dwelling Places, a charity who rescue and resettle street children.

2. Read the New Testament - 9 out of 27 books read, and another 2 started.  It's a struggle to be consistent with this one.

3. Write 30 good memories/ achievements from my twenties - I have about 15 written down so far, but will probably wait until nearer my 30th to publish the list.  Remembering positives doesn't come naturally to me, so writing these down is a good thing for me to do.

4. Read a new book every month - See yesterday's blog post for a half way update on this.

10. Go on a hot air balloon ride - I bought a voucher for this in July and have had 5 attempts so far but each has been cancelled due to high winds!  Attempt 6 is booked for next week.  If that fails, I think I'll need to wait until next Spring/ Summer.  Frustrating, but at least I've got the voucher to do it.

12. Take up piano and learn to play 6 new songs - I've not managed to keep up with the piano practice, so still only have 1 out of 6 songs.  Self-discipline has never been one of my strong points.

19. Make something new on my sewing machine every month - I blogged about this the other day as well.  This has been a tough one, and I'm not particularly enjoying doing it, but know it's good for me.  Like eating lettuce.

20. Upcycle 2 things from a charity shop - In June I altered an ugly necklace into something that I wear almost everyday.  And I recently bought a set of 3 little tables for a fiver which I'm going to sand down and repaint.  Sometime.

21. Lose 1 stone - I've managed to shift 9 pounds and am just about keeping it off.  Only 5 to go.

23. Climb a munro - My dad is delighted that I'm finally taking an interest in the outdoors.  He's taken me up 2 hills in the Ochills near Stirling and, depending on the weather, I may be doing my munro this Saturday!

28. Go to a ballet performance - I've booked tickets to go and see 'The Nutcracker' with a friend and our mums in January.

 

So I'm getting there gradually.  It seems unlikely that I will complete all 30 by April, but I'd like to have at least 20 ticked off.  I'm enjoying having a project to work on, but struggle to maintain my enthusiasm for it, especially when so many of the items have a cost attached to them.  I need to remember that I am doing this for fun and to create good memories, and not just for sake of ticking things off a list. 

 

I was reading back over some previous blog posts, and saw that I wrote this in May when I'd had the initial idea of the list: I don’t want to spend the next 11 months looking back with disappointment and forward with dread.  Instead I would like to take a step towards making peace with my twenties and embracing my thirties.  'Making peace' with myself, my character, my choices in life, my appearance, my childhood, my current situation, my mental health, my bank balance, my relationship with God, my past, my future...  Where do I even begin in doing that?  Perhaps like I said in May, it starts with taking a step.

 



Book Worm - Part 1

4. Read a new book every month

 

As with my sewing machine projects, I have reached the half way point on this item on my list.  In contrast, I have enjoyed this one and found it quite easy!  When I was younger I was a total book worm.  I remember my parents taking me to the library on Saturday mornings where I would pick up about 8 books at a time and have finished reading at least 1 of them by the end of the day.  However, I also remember one of my school teachers suggesting I read something a little more challenging than 'The Babysitters Club' or 'Sweet Valley High'.  Perhaps they had a point...  I used to stay up all night reading books, just to get to the end of another chapter.  I would try and read with a torch, or switch the light off when I heard someone coming down the stairs to tell me to go to sleep.  Of course, I usually got caught.  Or I would start laughing when I had pretended to fall asleep with the light on.

 

I think I lost interest in reading in High School, and definitely by the time I got to uni.  Unfortunately my abilities to study and concentrate on something seem to have decreased over time, as have my motivation levels.  So I thought it would be a good time to try and take reading back up again.  Hopefully without the late nights and teenage-angst novels.

 

Here's what I've read over the past 6 months:

 

April: Wedding Night by Sophie Kinsella

This was a pretty awful book, and I'm actually a bit embarrassed to have to include it!  My disclaimer is that I read this before I'd had the idea of doing my 30:30 list.  It's the story of a woman going to any lengths to disrupt her sister's wedding and prevent her from making the same bad choices in life.  Of course, it all ends happily ever after...  This book cost a few pounds from a supermarket, although I wouldn't be surprised to see it free with a magazine.  It was a bit of a distraction during a difficult week, and very quickly made it's way to the Oxfam shop once finished.

 

May: A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah

A complete contrast to the previous month, this was a compelling, well-written account of a boy's time as a child soldier in Sierra Leone during the 1990s.  Not exactly light hearted reading, I know.  It was horrifying to read about stolen childhoods, and what these children witnessed and experienced.  I find it extremely difficult to imagine this kind of life.  It makes me sick that this kind of evil exists in our world, where children are exposed to the inhumanities of war, become orphaned, are trained to kill or are used as shields, becoming hooked on drugs to dull the reality.  Ishmael was 'rescued' and taken to a centre to be rehabilitated, but even this was a painful read.  How do you even begin to repair that kind of damage?

 

June: Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin

After a failed attempt at climbing K2, Mortenson came across a small village in northern Pakistan and asked them what they needed.  The answer?  A school.  And so began a life changing journey.  The books documents Mortenson's struggles and successes, and the people he meets along the way as he build schools across Pakistan and Afghanistan.  An amazing and inspiring read, it also reminded me just how bad my knowledge of geography and politics is.  I would definitely recommend reading this.

 

July: Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo, with Lynn Vincent

This is a dad's account of his young son's journey to heaven and back during emergency surgery.  Even as a person who believes in heaven, I felt very sceptical when I started reading this book.  But by the end, I was convinced.  I hope it helps me to change the way I think about heaven and eternity - to have more faith, and less fear about the unknown.

 

August: Starter For Ten by David Nicholls

The fictional story of Brian Jackson as he attempts to figure out life, friendship and love through his first year at university and competing in University Challenge.  I saw the film version of this a few years ago, but I enjoyed reading more of the character details in the book.  It definitely reminded me of the days of awkward introductions, not getting enough sleep, wondering where your place in life is, and feeling increasingly stupid the more I (supposedly) learnt.  My parents don't like me saying this, but I reckon I peaked at high school.  It felt pretty downhill from there, academically.  This was funny, well written and a good break from the more serious reading of the past 3 months.

 

September: Nothing But A Thief by Danielle Speakman

And back to the serious books...  This was a very challenging book about street children in Peru, and how we respond to this kind of need.  A suitable read I thought, just before I go to Uganda for my work with a charity who rescue street children.  It gave me a greater insight into the harsh realities that street children face, and the reasons that children end up on the streets as well as why they stay there.  Again, it makes me sick to think of children as young as my own little nieces being abused, sleeping out in the cold, sniffing glue to take away their hunger pains, and living a life without love and security.  I would like to think that I care and want to make a difference, but this book made me question my motivations.  Do I want people to think that I'm a 'good person' because I work for a charity and go to Africa?  Do I give out of sympathy?  Did I leave my old clothes in Rwanda to help others or was it so that I had more space for gifts in my luggage?  Would I be prepared to give away the possessions that matter to me?  Do I listen to other people's problems with my own agenda or to give them a space to speak?  Is my life more about me or them?  Do I have genuine compassion for other people?  It makes me uncomfortable to ask these questions, but I think they need to be asked.  And, more importantly, answered.

 

Perhaps because this is my most recent read, I have a lot of thoughts that could do with the space and time to come together into something that makes sense.  I'm reminded of something I wrote while I was in Rwanda about wanting to live a life that is 'comfortably uncomfortable'.  It's good for me to be challenged by what I read, but will this translate into transformation?  Or will I just forget and go on living my 'uncomfortably comfortable' life.

 

If you have any suggestions of books for the next 6 months, then please let me know!!