Jetsetting and Reflecting

I've done an unusual amount of travelling recently - a few days in Istanbul with my dad, a weekend in Cornwall with friends and then a weekend in Northern Ireland for work.  6 flights in the space of 21 days, for 3 very different trips - I think I better plant a few trees to compensate for all that carbon footprint!

 

As good as those three trips were in their own ways, I'm glad to settle back into a quieter routine.  Quieter perhaps isn't the right word, given that from this week onwards I'm going to be working 6 days a week between two jobs.  It's going to be tiring but I'm just so pleased to have a bit more stability in my life again.

 

I had my last session of counselling yesterday.  It's been harder to fit the sessions in recently, but it's also been useful for me to see how I've coped without having that safe place and listening ear every week.  I often find that once you come out the other side of a difficult time that it's hard to remember how bad it was in the midst of it.  Perhaps that's one benefit of keeping a journal.  It was almost a year ago exactly that I wrote the following:

 

            I just feel flat, empty and a bit dead inside.  What is the point?

 

And a few days later:

 

          You know things are bad when even your counsellor is telling you that you've hit rock bottom.

 

I won't claim to be 'sorted' or 'fixed'.  Depression and mental health don't work like that.  But I have worked hard to sort through a lot of painful memories and squashed down emotions over the past 18 months.  I'm aware of sounding pathetically cheesy here, and I don't want to claim that I'm a new person or have reached a place of fully accepting myself.  But my counsellor asked me what I thought the Katie of the future looked like, and for the first time in a long time (perhaps ever) I couldn't think of anything much that I wanted to be different.

 

You have to recognise what a big deal that is for me.  I used to tell my mum that I wanted a personality transplant for birthdays or Christmas.  I used to day dream about being a totally different person and how great it would be.  But I'm never going to be the life and soul of the party, and that's ok.  I don't need to be the popular kid, the one with the guy, the prettiest, sportiest, hundreds of facebook friends, packed social life, the stick thin kid.  I can be the gentle, good listener, compassionate, creative, trustworthy, kind, hard working, perceptive and thoughtful kid.  I can be the person I am and was already.  (And that's not to say that popular people aren't kind, they just don't tend to be that great at listening from my experience.)

 

Sure, there are things I still need to work on like my self-confidence, social life and fears of being alone.  But I'd say reaching this level of self-acceptance instead of self-loathing is a pretty good place to start from.  It's freeing.

 

Here are my photos from the past couple of weeks.  Click on the photos to see larger versions.

 

Day 118: Enjoying a blast of sunshine in between the snow showers!; Day 119: It's definitely been a week for journaling - glad to be able to write things down and have space to process; Day 121: When in Cornwall...; Day 122: Returning home after a fab weekend in Cornwall with some fab friends: Day 123: Sometimes you just need a wee cry on the phone with your mammy to remind you that the sun will shine again; Day 124: Oh so pretty packaging; Day 125: Blue & silver ribbon on a baby gift for a friend; Day 126: Oh I do love a good sunset: Day 127: Another day, another bird's eye view (of the Clyde): Day 128: Great to see this lovely lady again so soon; Day 129: Sunshine & tulips for a lazy Sunday afternoon; Day 131: Pastel colours & sunshine peeking through the blinds in work

 

 

Day 120: Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

(Could this beach be any more beautiful?)

 

 

Day 130: Enjoyed a quieter day & a chance to do some reflecting

Days 96 to 117

I've got a lot of bits and pieces buzzing around my head this week, which I haven't had the chance to process yet, so I'm going to keep this blog post short.  Sometimes all the stuff inside me feels like it might explode out, and I'm not ready to make that public quite yet!

 

So on a safer note, here are my latest photo-a-day pics...

 

 

Day 96: Loving my new birthday bracelet; Day 97: Evening sun in the city; Day 98: Florals and my Paperchain necklace at the ready for a staff night out; Day 99: A fun evening with this little lady (and my friends); Day 100: Celebrating 100 days of #project366 with macarons from a talented colleague; Day 101: Feeling thankful for kind words; Day 102: Managed to swim double what I normally do!; Day 103: Evening candlelight; Day 104: A pre-dinner gin & tonic cupcake!

 

Day 105: Hot chocolate pit-stop on my evening walk; Day 106: The smell of vine tomatoes will always remind me of my Grampa. He used to make me laugh by wearing an (empty) ice cream tub on his head. I miss him.; Day 107: A pre-holiday treat for myself from work; Day 108: Paid off the last wee bit of my car today - it's taken me nearly 3 years so feels like a huge achievement; Day 109: Panoramic of the amazing colourful fountain in Sultanahmet Square, Istanbul; Day 110: Dinner with a view

 

Day 111: I'm in love with all these brightly coloured Turkish lamps!

 

Day 112: Enjoying a bird's eye view; Day 113: Enjoying a final simit in the airport before coming home; Day 114: Enjoyed spending some time with these lovely ladies at the AIM Scottish Conference #teamDP; Day 115: Early birthday celebrations for dad #doubletrouble; Day 116: Meant to go for a swim this evening. Ate a piece of cake instead.; Day 117: Thirty lengths at the pool, check. Earned that slice of cake? Check!

Days 76 - 95

This time last year, I was coming to terms with the fact that I was now in my thirties. Something I had been dreading, and making sure everyone knew how I felt about it! This year my birthday snuck up on me, and I haven’t had time to think too much about it. Possibly a good thing.

 

Turning 31 definitely feels less of a big deal than turning 30, and I know that I’m in a much better place than I was this time last year. Sure, I still have some of the same fears, most of which I’ve talked about on this blog. I think some of my friends think I’m ridiculous and am over-reacting; I do feel self-conscious about appearing desperate or needy. But I also realise that trying to deny these feelings and fears is unhealthy. 

 

One of the things that I’ve learned over the past year is that I can’t keep defining my self-worth by what other people think of me (or what I perceive they think of me). There is something in my head that equates being in a relationship with being accepted. That my value as a person would be greater if someone thought well enough of me to want to be in a relationship with me. So being single sends the message to my head that I’m not good enough, not pretty or nice or funny enough, that there’s something wrong with me. It’s a big step for me to recognise that this is wrong. I don’t think this is restricted to being in a relationship, as I know I can be unhealthily sensitive about friendships too.

 

Making changes takes time and work. I’ve done a lot of reflecting over the past year, and can see how different parts of my life have affected me and led to the place and person I am now (for both better and worse).  It’s often not until after the event that we can have understanding and insight, and then apply that learning.  I’ve lost the naivety that used to lead me to believe that everything would work out the way I hoped – that all my ducks would end up in a nice, neat row. I’m not trying to sound pessimistic (although I know I have a natural tendency to be), but who am I to say for certain how the next 10 year of my life will turn out?

 

What I am trying to say is that although there is still a lot of uncertainty in my life, I want to do what I can to make positive changes and be able to enjoy the here and now, instead of worry about the past and future.  So I’m gradually trying to change my self-perception and base my self-worth on something more solid. Good foundations are essential to a strong and sturdy house.  Sure there are plenty of areas that still need work, but it's all about baby steps right?

 

With all that in mind, here are the latest photos from my photo-a-day project… Follow me at www.instagram.com/whatkt_didnext 

 

 

Day 76: That's how the cookie crumbles; Day 77: Oh my cod! The fish supper I've been craving; Day 78: In my pjs before 6pm on a Friday night #rocknroll; Day 79: Celebratory afternoon tea;

Day 80: A very busy little bee collecting pollen in the sunshine; Day 81: My lovely mother refusing to be in my photo; Day 82: Waking up to blue skies; Day 83: A brood of Easter chicks

 

Day 84: Getting excited to see Adele live!; Day 85: An amazing evening listening to an incredible voice at the Hydro; Day 86: Framed confetti from last night

 

 

Day 87: A mid-cooking dash to get some eggs for making dinner; Day 88: Finding pretty lights on an evening walk; Day 89: Classic Glasgow weather - sun to hail stones in the space of 30 minutes;

Day 90: Westend landmarks; Day 91: The sun has got his hat on!; Day 92: Early birthday dinner & desserts;

Day 93: Birthday flowers, brownie & cards; Day 94: Continuing my birthday weekend with red velvet cake; Day 95: Bright colours to banish Monday blues

Days 56 to 75

I'm going to keep this short as I am struggling to string a simple sentence together, let alone write anything deep and meaningful.  It's been a while since I worked full time, and I'd forgotten how tiring having two part-time jobs can be.  Not that I'm complaining - I'm so grateful to be in this position and to have a little bit more financial security.  I don't like money, but we all need it to get by.

 

As always, you can click on the photos below to see larger versions.  Follow me on www.instagram.com/muhanga12

 

 

Day 56: I love seeing crocuses at this time of year; Day 57: A silver lining indeed!; Day 58: Happy to have a few shifts back in here again; Day 59: I could get used to these lighter evenings; Day 60: Got the ring, just need a guy to propose to now! I get to keep the ring right?! #banter**; Day 61: Ended up working for most of my day off so went out for a hot chocolate; Day 62: Best discovery of the year so far! #krispykreme; Day 63: There's no place like home, especially with friends like these; Day 64 (large): The face of someone who's just been offered their first permanent job in over 3.5 years!; Day 65: Delicious oreo brownie - just what I needed; Day 66: Unashamedly showing its true colours. Maybe I could learn a thing or two from that; Day 67: Beautiful afternoon sun in Stirling

 

Day 68: A carpet of crocuses; Day 69: Magic mushrooms!; Day 70: Oh Glasgow, you look great in the sunshine!; Day 71: Had a rubbish day so what else was there to do but eat chocolate, sprawl on the sofa and watch YouTube videos of cyclists getting chased by an ostrich; Day 72: Anyone in Stirling lost their toaster? Last spotted on Baker Street, Stirling ~10pm! #authenticstreetfood; Day 73: Lesson of the day - small things can make a big difference (and mini eggs help with last minute presentation writing); Day 74: Perfect day for a long walk beside the canal. Just don't get too close!; Day 75: Savoury comfort food goodness

 

**I should add that this is a fake ring I made from tinfoil and cheap stickers. Not so funny when you have to explain to your parents that it was a joke for February 29th!

Sunny days, rainy days

It comes as a bit of a surprise to me when I have a run of bad days now.  I guess that's a good thing, as it means I'm having more good days than bad.  The downside is that the bad days seem to have an extra sting in their tails.  Last week was grim.  This week has been better.  Last night I laughed so hard my tummy hurt, and it felt really good.

 

It's not that I don't have friends, because I have some amazing people in my life, which I'm very grateful for.  I'm just not very good at being sociable.  I often don't take the initiative to arrange to meet up with people, and tend to think that my friends will probably be busy anyway.  I feel this particularly with friends who are married/ in a relationship/ have kids.  It's not that they don't have time, but I feel I need to respect their time off as they'll be wanting to spend it with their other half/ family.  Perhaps that reflects more on me and my fears of rejections, being left behind and feeling overlooked.  I am trying to be better at arranging to see friends, but I think I need to push myself and start trying to get to know new people as well...  Eep!

 

My 'photo a day of something that makes me smile' project (not very catchy I know) continues.  I've been taking a lot of sky/ sunset photos.  Mostly because it seems like such a novelty to see sun and blue sky after a ridiculously long winter.  You should be able to click on the photo blocks below to see larger versions.  Hope you like them...

 

 

Day 38: Love a bit of avocado with my dinner; Day 39: Can't see the appeal of working out beside the window, even if it is frosted!; Day 40: Spring has sprung!; Day 41: Amazing colours in the sky; Day 42: Another beautiful sunset, this time from Kelvingrove Park; Day 43: Cava and chats with my bestie

 

Day 44: Oreo cookie brownie; Day 45: A walk in the sunshine, snow on the hills & getting out of the city to Glen Luss; Day 46: A swim followed by this cupcake to beat the Monday night blues; Day 47: Most definitely a soup day; Day 48: A few moments of quiet beside the Clyde after a tiring day: Day 49: Nice lines and curves on a bench; Day 50: Reminiscing about my snowboarding days; Day 51: After a bad week, it was nice to FaceTime my wee nieces; Day 52: Needed some time back at home: Day 53: I'm not a fan of selfies, but a good hair day is worth celebrating!; Day 54(large): View from ground level - snowdrops & sunshine: Day 55: (living) room with a view

 

 

You can follow me on Instagram @muhanga12 or view the webpage here: www.instagram.com/muhanga12

Days 17 to 37



Despite saying in my last blog post that I was finding my photo-a-day project a little daunting, I am still enjoying it.  I like having a record of each day - where I've been, a nice view, who I was with, what the weather was like...  Some of the photos make me laugh - yes, I really did take a photo of myself drying my hair.  I felt like a dog hanging out of a car window!  And so far I've only included 2 photos of hot chocolate, which is quite impressive given how often I go to coffee shops.

 

I've included days 17 - 37 below, and remember you can also go to www.instagram.com/muhanga12 to see the photos.  (You don't have to sign up to Instagram to view the webpage.)  Thanks to everyone who has been encouraging about this wee project of mine.  Wish I could see myself the way you see me!

 

 

Day 17: Snowman - Glasgow style; Day 18: Went swimming again for the first time in 5 months & it felt great!; Day 19: Some days just call for hot chocolate; Day 20: Recycled necklace, now an ornament; Day 21: I love raspberry jelly; Day 22: Friday night cinema trip; Day 23: Reclaiming some of my aloe vera plants from home; Day 24: What Sunday afternoons are made for; Day 25: Alternative Burns supper - haggis pakora, rice & veggies.

 

Day 26: Pretty puddle reflections; Day 27: Say cheese!; Day 28: Childhood memories of my mum using these pens; Day 29: A wild, windy day but pretty in lights; Day 30: LOVE these guys; Day 31: A new notebook for my new course on sustainable development in sub-Saharan Africa; Day 32: Pretty nails; Day 33: So good to see some sun again; Day 34: Hair drying selfie; Day 35: Another day, another hot chocolate; Day 36: Crazy golf!; Day 37: Sunshine in a glass.

One step at a time

This past week has felt harder to keep motivated about my photo-a-day project.  I guess the novelty has worn off slightly, and I'm starting to realise that I need to remember to do this every day for the next 339 days...  It's a little daunting.  I've had a couple of days where my photo has been of something fairly ordinary - my dinner, a plant, yet another hot chocolate...  And maybe that's ok, it doesn't have to be extra special - as long as it makes me smile.  This is something I should want to do, not something I feel that I have to do.  Doing what you know is good for you isn't always easy though (demonstrated by me staying in and eating chocolate and shortbread the other night, instead of going for a swim like I had planned).

 

It's hard to explain, but recovering from depression can be hard.  It's tiring and it takes effort.  You have to be thinking about the choices you make.  Not just things like what you're going to have for dinner (although I still find that hard enough at times!).  It's thinking about what you think about.  It's choosing to fight where your mind automatically goes, stopping it and then sending yourself down a different path.  And that can be exhausting when you've got 30 years of defaults to work through.

 

I can give a few examples of where I've got this right and wrong over the past few months.
 

Right:

Something was said to me at work a few weeks ago, which really upset me and made me doubt my abilities to do my job properly.  It shook me up, but once I'd calmed down I was able to take a step back and see where the comments had come from.  It's not that I was being criticised personally or professionally.  I needed to consciously stop and decide not to go down the angry/ upset/ self deprecating route that I normally take, but instead take it at face value and deal with it.  And listen to that small part of me that knows I am doing a good job and that I work hard.

 

Wrong:

When I met up with  guy and it didn't go as well as I had hoped.  I told myself he'd only met up with me to be polite, had no interest in me at all and that it was always going to be like this.  I was never going to meet someone who could get past my quietness to see something of worth.  I went from one occasion to deciding my whole future.  Catastrophising.

 

This may sound strange, but there's a sense of comfort or familiarity with depression, like an old pair of jeans.  It's not that I like being depressed, but there are fewer unknowns than when I'm doing ok.  And there's a terrible part of me that doesn't know what to say when people tell me that it's great that I'm doing better.  Yes, it is great.  But I'm scared that I'll go unnoticed now that I'm 'better'.  I don't like admitting that because I think it makes me sound like an attention seeker.

 

There's also part of depression that is soul destroying and awful.  I think back to where I was 12 months ago, and it's a very dark place.  I'm glad not to be there anymore.  I'm glad the fog has cleared.  Yes, I do wonder if I'll go through this again in the future.  But I'm taking small steps towards avoiding that, or at least being better prepared for the fight.  One step at a time, one punch at a time, one round at a time.

Day 16: Baby it's cold outside

 

Starting Out

Fifteen days down and so far I've managed to take a photo everyday!  There are times where I feel like I'm taking a photo for the sake of it, having got to the end of the day and not taken enough time to pause and look.  And there are things which aren't easy to photograph - a phone conversation with a friend, seeing some blue sky as I drive to work, a great song on the radio...

 

But there are also days when I know that I'm intentionally setting out to look for something that will make me smile.  And it's that word 'intentional' that has been a big help to me already.  I've talked a lot with my counsellor about getting to a place where I can make choices, rather than just resorting to my defaults.  And I feel like this is a big step forward in that.  I'm choosing to go out for a walk even if it is cold and I'd rather stay inside.  Instead of putting my head down and getting through the day, I'm stopping to get back out of my car to take a photo of the ice on the roof (even if there is a guy trying to park right next to me at the time, and even if I am running late for work).  I'm thinking about how I enjoy wrapping presents for people.  I'm enjoying using Instagram and deciding which filter to use or which hashtags to tag my photo with.

 

I'm not saying I've turned into someone who dances down the road with birds and squirrels following me...  But I know this project is helping.  I know this is good for me.

 

So here are my photos so far.  You should hopefully be able to click on the image to see a larger version.  And even if you don't have Instagram, you can check this link to see the photos that I add: www.instagram.com/muhanga12

 

 

Day 1: Fairy lights on trees, Byres Road; Day 2: Mmm, chocolate pudding; Day 3: Mugdock Park; Day 4: Holly bush in Hyndland; Day 5: A day in Edinburgh with my bestie; Day 6: My mum trying on Christmas wreaths in Dobbies (ok, I made her do it); Day 7: Pretty copper star lights above my bed; Day 8: Last long lie of the holidays; Day 9: Wrapping presents & watching Netflix

 

Day 10: Chilling with some candles; Day 11: Chocolate bunny to hurry Spring along; Day 12: You know you live in Glasgow when buckfast is the special offer on the door; Day 13: Ice patterns on my car; Day 14: Amazing light and shadows in the Botanic Gardens; Day 15: Pizza Friday

Hello, it's me

It's been a while since I last blogged, and the first day of a new year seems like a good time to put some thoughts down.  I can't say I'm a fan of New Year, but it is an opportunity to do a bit of reflecting on the year that's just ended and looking to the year ahead.  Some people make resolutions, but I know they don't work for me - I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail. 

 

I know I have a natural tendency towards pessimism, and that my default thinking patterns are often quite negative.  When I think about the kind of person I would like to be, I often think to the other extreme of what I am - someone who is (nearly) always positive and happy, outgoing, popular, the life and soul.  But that's just not me.  I'm never going to feel totally comfortable being the centre of attention, and I can't see myself as that person who everybody wants to be friends with.  And that's ok.

 

I would like to feel better about life and myself, but 'trying to be happier' sounds forced.  Instead of trying to make myself be a different person or be a 'happy' person, I'm going to take a step back.  My non-resolution New Year's resolution is to do or find something everyday that makes me smile.  So I'm not trying to force a feeling, but am being more intentional about looking for and recognising positives in my day to day life.  More positive thoughts will hopefully bring more positive feelings, right?!  It doesn't have to be anything huge.  In fact the more simple things are probably better.

 

The plan is to take a photograph everyday this year, posting it on Instagram, in order to encourage my creative side as well.  You can follow me on www.instagram.com/muhanga12  I'll share some of them on facebook and here on my blog from time to time.  I'm hoping this will be good for me, in the same way that my list of '30 things to do before I turn 30' was.  I know it helps if I have a project.  Something to focus on.

 

I very much doubt that this is a new idea.  In fact there are plenty of other people on Instagram using hashtags associated with this kind of project - #366days, #366smiles, #project366 etc.  I won't be setting a theme for each day like some photo challenges, but just finding something that makes me smile.  Hopefully I'll achieve some things along the way that I would have set as resolutions (if I was into setting resolutions), such as getting fitter, losing weight, valuing my friendships more, doing more art....

 

Today' photo was of some trees covered in lights on University Avenue, in Glasgow's Westend.  I love fairy lights, at any time of year.  And having spent most of today indoors, it made me smile to see something pretty as I was out for a walk.

 

 

Maybe this is it?

I wrote this post about 10 days ago and never quite got round to publishing it.  Most of the time I feel ok about being honest on my blog, but I wasn't so sure about sharing this one.  But for some reason, I'm doing it anyway....


My last post was titled 'This isn't everything you are', after a Snow Patrol song.  But what if this is everything I am?  I know people can change over time.  But change can be harder for some than others.  Take a physical example - a person who naturally gains weight very easily will have to work very hard to lose that weight and then keep it off.  There's not much room for 'off' days, as they will all too easily fall off the wagon so to speak, and one biscuit can lead to five which leads to an empty packet (I speak from my own experience there).  This could easily get that person down.  Or they could decide that they are up for a challenge and keep working hard in order to feel the benefits.  Decide...  It has to be a conscious choice.

 

I'm much more of a pessimist than an optimist.  I have a family history of depression.  Looking back, I can see the cycles of depression or depressive episodes that I've gone through since primary school.  When I realised that I was depressed again in summer 2014, I wondered what I had been doing wrong.  Had I got lazy and just slipped back into negative thinking habits?  Shouldn't I be coping better with life?  Most of the people around me seem to cope with what life throws at them, so what's wrong with me?  If I could just find the right medication, or go to enough counselling sessions and journal enough then I will find that 'fix'.  The magic wand.  The fairy dust.  Of course it sounds ridiculously naïve as I type that.  Life doesn't work like that.

 

I had a really hard counselling session a few weeks ago.  'No pain, no gain', I told myself.  And I went home and waited to feel different.  I waited to feel the freedom and release that I expected to come from having touched some very painful memories and feelings.  I thought I would feel a physical weight off my shoulders.  And so I waited.  And began to have doubts.  I asked myself what I was doing wrong.  Maybe I hadn't tried hard enough?  Maybe I hadn't opened up enough?  I shouldn't still feel like this.  I shouldn't still struggle with the same problems that have affected me for the past however many years.  I've talked about these things with counsellors before.  So why do they still upset me?  I shouldn't feel like this.  I should be able to cope better than this. 

 

Is accepting this is going to be a long term fight admitting defeat?  Or just being realistic?  Perhaps it depends which way you look at it.  Part of me longs to get to a point where I just feel 'normal' (whatever normal is) and can put these issues to rest.  A point where this time is the last time.  But in longing for that, am I just adding to the sense of disappointment and frustration that I feel with myself?  My struggle to accept that I'm struggling only seems to make things worse.  I find it hard to allow myself to not be coping.  As if I should be invincible or something.

 

I accept in my head that I will always need to keep an eye on my mental health.  But I think it only really hit home today what that might mean.  The prospect of a constant fight not to eat the whole packet of biscuits.  To dig my heels in when I feel myself slipping down that dark hole.  It makes me feel tired just thinking about it.  I suppose it becomes easier over time.  The more you practice, the more it becomes second nature to reach for the positive reaction over the default negative one.  But the thought of living like this scares me.  What if I don't have the fight in me?  I'm not great at making good choices.  Who would want to be with someone like me if they know there's a chance I'll go through another cycle of depression at some point?  What if I have kids and pass my mess onto them?  What if I can't protect them? 

 

And so the fear of what life might hold stops me from actually living it.  I find myself stuck in a place where I look back with regret, look forward with worry, and miss out on the here and now.  It's not a good place to be.