Treading Water

I think I've written before about the odd feeling I get when things are going ok in my life.  I'm aware of becoming complacent and progress coming to a halt.  And the slight nervousness that feeling 'ok' won't last long.  The insecurity about going unnoticed.  The desire to matter to others, to someone.  Will I have anything meaningful to write about?  It sounds a bit silly when I say it out loud like that.

 

But being 'ok' is ok.  There doesn't have to be drama or massive highs and lows.  I feel that my photos from the past month reflect this - most days haven't been particularly memorable.  And at times I look at my photos and wish they were better quality (in terms of subject, composition, light etc).  But I think back to my original intention of keeping it simple and finding joy in something, big or small.  And that's ok.

 

Here are my photos from the past few weeks:

 

 

 

Day 248: Sunshine and showers; Day 249: Went into work feeling tired and grumpy. Had a pile of donations, new sponsors and this cutie to snap me out of it; Day 250 (large): Purple rain; Day 251: Making the most of it; Day 252: Lopsided empire biscuit; Day 253: A light shining in the darkness; Day 254: Dusk walk by the canal: Day 255: Spontaneous trip to see my pals and new discoveries in Tiger; Day 256: Late night snacking

 

 

Day 257: Beautiful sunset, but where was the sun during the day?!; Day 258: Music for the soul; Day 259: Life feels better with chocolate; Day 260: Parental postcard; Day 261: Left over from Hogmanay, perfect for September; Day 262: Rocking the post-nap bed-head look as I go to bed (again); Day 263: Love from Mull; Day 264: Can't beat a bit of time with these guys; Day 265: Oh hello embroidered shoulder panel

 

 

Day 266: Getting to make things look pretty for a living; Day 267: Wedding outfit planning; Day 268: Dancing feet; Day 269: Only took us 11 attempts to get a decent selfie (my mother is a very reluctant participant in my photos); Day 270: The tiger who almost came to tea?!; Day 271: New reading material

Changes

August crept by like a ninja, and now we're into September.  The sun is still shining (most days), but there's definitely a change of season in the air, with darker evenings and cooler days.  The rowan tree outside my window is no longer covered with bright red berries - they've faded to a decidedly autumnal orange.  I've been eyeing up my winter scarves, neatly folded in my wardrobe, and have to say I'm looking forward to wearing them again!  There's something comforting about wrapping up in a big scarf and wooly hat.  The romantic in me is dreaming of long walks on cold, crisp days and stopping for hot chocolates.  I'm sure I'll soon snap out of this when I'm in the middle of a cold, wet, slushy winter in Glasgow!!

 

Working in retail, particularly in a gift shop, means you have to plan ahead whether you like it or not.  This week we had a lot of deliveries of our Christmas stock - cards, decorations, gifts...  I'm relieved to say that it's not out on the shop floor yet, but the change of season is fast approaching.  I've already wrapped some Christmas presents (for a customer, I add hastily!) and am thinking ahead for our social media and website content.

 

I'm also aware that I'm now into the final third of this photo-a-day project!  How did that happen?  Stupidly, I already feel a bit sad about it coming to an end.  Although there's nothing to stop me from doing it again next year.  But I like the idea of taking on a new project.  Need to get my thinking cap on...

 

Here are my photos from the last few weeks.  Remember you can click on the photos to see a larger version.

 

Day 224: Mojito flavoured French fancy!; Day 225: Loving the gorgeous colours in this skirt: Day 226: It's been a pizza and cider kind of evening; Day 227: A whole lot of tea pots: Day 228 (large): Beautiful sunset; Day 229: Sunny day in Glasgow: Day 230: Evening reflections (and dirty windows); Day 231: I carried a watermelon; Day 232: Prosecco Fridays are the best!

Day 233: New candle on the go; Day 234: Sunday cinema with my pal; Day 235: Colour pop; Day 236: Withering but still pretty; Day 237: I love these wispy looking clouds; Day 238: It's all peachy; Day 239: Because I needed another cloud photo: Day 240: Floral finds on an evening walk; Day 241: I spy... (my mother)

Day 242: Some days just call for pasta, even if it is for pasta salad; Day 243 (large): Pausing for breath; Day 244: The closest I get a cuppa!; Day 245: Thumbs up for bedtime; Day 246: Tile appreciation; Day 247: Mmm...macaroons!

Light and shadows

Perspective has a lot to answer for.  A post-work nap can feel great at the time, but not at 2am when you can't get to sleep.  Being single can be lonely, but also offers a level of freedom which changes when in a serious relationship.  An opportunity to do something different or fear of change?  Celebrating with friends or making comparisons?  It all depends how you look at it.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm an optimist trapped in the body of a pessimist.  I love happy endings.  I can't stand conflict, and try to keep the peace.  I annoy my friends by being too diplomatic.  I want things to work out for the best, in my own life and for others, and want to be able to do something to change circumstances for the better.  I want to see the best in people.  Perhaps it's more accurate to say that I'm an idealist. 

 

The trouble with idealism is that it harbours disappointment, false expectations and naivety.  I struggle with huge disappointment when situations doesn't work out how I'd hoped.  I wonder what I did wrong, or what's wrong with me.  I find it hard to cope when conflicts are unavoidable.  I'm easily hurt by the actions and words of others and don't do enough to protect myself from situations or people who aren't good for me.  I find some changes too big and daunting to make, even if I know it's for the better, because of the fear of getting it wrong or it not working out perfectly.  I'm scared of taking risks.

 

There's a verse in the Bible which I worry describes me at the moment: As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly. (Proverbs 26:11, NIV)  I feel like I'm going round in circles with my outlook on life and making the same mistakes.  Someone reminded me the other day of the different perspective that you can have as a Christian, especially if you are comparing yourself to others.  I'm struggling to let the truths of my faith have much of an impact on my life at the moment, so instead of feeling encouraged (which I think was how the comment was intended), I felt like I was missing the mark. 

 

It doesn't help that I'm exhausted at the moment.  It's harder to maintain a balanced perspective when you're sleep deprived.  But I do believe that there must be a balance somehow.  Having enough hope to still see the good in situations, whilst being realistic enough to accept that life is challenging at times.  (Cue a clichéd quote about life being like a box of chocolates...)

 

 

Here are my latest photos instead....

 

 

Day 208: Making it to the end of another day; Day 209: Light and shadows; Day 210: Starry, starry night; Day 211: When it becomes an acceptable time to go to bed; Day 212: Making it to the end of a long & difficult week and still being able to smile; Day 213: Smell the roses; Day 214: The finishing touches; Day 215: Wrapping skillz

 

 

Day 216: At least someone is enjoying the summer weather!; Day 217: Nails ready; Day 218: Had the best day ever celebrating with the new Mr & Mrs Namor; Day 219: Feeling very thankful to still have these amazing people in my life; Day 220: A moment of blue sky and calm; Day 221: Happy feet; Day 222: It's all about the eyes; Day 223: Free therapy

 

Constant

When the things around you seem to be all over the place, it's good to have something constant.  Here are my recent photos...

 

 

Day 190: Oh I do love a good sunset; Day 191: Movie night; Day 192: What else can you eat on Wimbledon men's final day?; Day 193: Love a good burst water pipe feature; Day 194: Birthday dinner & drinks with my fave; Day 195: My first hot chocolate in AGES!; Day 196: Blingy new necklace; Day 197: Adore these colours; Day 198: Mischievous sheep; Day 199: New rings; Day 200: Fun in the sun with my mum; Day 201: Beautiful blue evening sky made better with friends

 

Day 202: Practicing writing my name (new hobby perhaps); Day 203: Cake and catch ups; Day 204: Visit from the parents; Day 205: Look towards the light, especially if it's multi-coloured & on a string; Day 206: Lazy Sunday lunch; Day 207: A sneaky hot chocolate to help me through the day 

Help, I Need Somebody

I've not been keeping up with my blog all that well recently.  I also haven't written in my journal for over a month, and I'm really feeling it.  If I've learnt anything over the past few years, it's that I need to write for my well-being.  It's how I process my thoughts and work through situations.  It's how I clear my head.  I also enjoy it, and get a lot out of writing on here.  But it feels like a struggle this evening, and I find that quite frustrating.

 

I don't like feeling this tired or that I'm just 'getting through the week'.  I've found it hard to adjust to working full time again and could do with improving the balance between work and home, quiet time and socialising, resting and exercising.  Despite being an adult (apparently), I still need to get better at looking after myself.  Sometimes I feel like I'm on it and that I've got this whole life thing sussed.  And other times I almost wish I was back home and had my mum to cook my dinner and tell me to go to bed (that's not an invitation to boss me around mum!).  I feel a bit small and like I've lost some of my confidence (again).  It's not just children who need someone to reassure them that it's going to be ok.  As I've written about before, I don't want to rely on other people in order to feel good about myself.  But neither do I want to keep my thoughts to myself, nor only express them from behind the security of a screen.  We all need support and help from time to time.  It's just not that easy to ask for it.

 

 

Here are my photos from the past few weeks.  Hard to believe that I'm over half-way now!

 

 

Day 172: It may just look like an ordinary pile of letters waiting to be posted... but it represents 12 more children being sponsored, mosquito nets being bought and people who willingly give their time to support something they believe in;

Day 173: Finally sorted my photos from China...2 years on; Day 174: Minty bubbles in my belly; Day 175: New bowl.  Cos it's pretty; Day 176: Flamingo confetti!; Day 177: Because it's been a 'bowl of cereal and cookies for dinner' kind of day; Day 178: Beautiful new picture frames; Day 179: Post-work naps; Day 180: Spent my day off dress shopping

 

Day 181: Preparations are well underway for the (hen) weekend; Day 182: Just chillin with my ice cream; Day 183: Hen party!; Day 184: Crown making with my besties; Day 185: (large) Circle of friendship; Day 186: Wishing I could turn back time to relive the weekend; Day 187: Survived my first day in charge of the shop; Day 188: Painted panel love; Day 189: Love the light

Low battery

Today I am feeling tired and a bit down, so this is going to be short.  Work feels quite consuming at the moment, and I'm struggling to find the time or energy to do much else.  I'm thankful to be cutting my hours from next week onwards.  So here are my photos from the past few weeks, taking me up to Sunday 19th June. 

 

 

Day 151: Dug my ukulele out for a wee strum; Day 152: A walk in the sunshine with a friend to shake off the stresses of the day; Day 153: Funny faces with this little lady; Day 154: How can I not have noticed this beauty right outside the front door before?!; Day 155: Loving my new flamingo plates; Day 156: Bedtime stories don't get much cuter than this: Day 157: Evening walk in the beautiful sunshine; Day 158: Berry good; Day 159: (large) Best night ever, seeing Coldplay live at Hampden!; Day 160: Needed a wee mango juice to cool off (and wake me up); Day 161: Loving my pineapple pyjamas; Day 162: Friday treats

 

Day 163: Orchids have to be one of the most beautiful flowers ever; Day 164: What a lovely belated birthday present to receive - framed drawings from my wee nieces; Day 165: Enjoying the beautiful colours in this lantern; Day 166: Doing some clearing out and came across some treasures; Day 167: Shadow love; Day 168: Hot chocolate and good company; Day 169: Room with a view; Day 170: Birthday and hen night fun for this lovely lady; Day 171: Hey, I put some new shoes on!

Open Wounds

I've been thinking about vulnerability recently, and the impact that this can have on people.  I think there is a huge amount of value in vulnerability, but also recognise that it needs to be used with caution.  There are times when people just need to talk and to be heard.  It's not going to be helpful if I open up about my own experiences of that situation and make 'helpful' suggestions.  But equally sometimes it takes opening up about something I've gone through to help other people feel comfortable enough to express their own feelings.  We can be surprised to learn that we're not alone in feeling awkward in a particular situation or that we share similar struggles in life with the person that you thought had it all together.

 

I've been pretty open at times on this blog, and it's made me feel quite vulnerable afterwards.  But I know that some people have really identified with what I've written and that it's been helpful to them to know that they are not alone in feeling like that.  Which in turn has helped me to feel like I'm not alone, and has encouraged me that what I've been through might help others in a very small way.  I don't see vulnerability as a weakness.  When used appropriately, it can be a real strength.

 

Having said that, there are definite disadvantages to vulnerability as well.  I've been in situations over the past year where I've said too much, trying to get the other person to reciprocate and let down their defence walls in order to let me near them.  You can't force closeness, and I think that's what I was trying to do.  The consequences are that I've been badly hurt, feel totally rejected and am left wishing I had kept better boundaries.  It's a bit like love - it can feel amazing and free-ing, but it can also leave you feeling trapped and exposed, and open to pain, hurt and betrayal.

 

It could be easy to walk away or to close off from others after experiences like that.  But I believe there is value in persisting and showing that person that you don't want to give up on them.  That they are worth fighting for and giving them that second or third or tenth chance.  As a Christian, I want to demonstrate forgiveness to others, just as God has forgiven me and given me chance after chance despite all the things I keep doing.  But how many times do you need to be hurt before you decide to walk away?  Yes, I believe in forgiveness, but that doesn't mean I need or should keep that person in my life if the friendship is not good for me.  Many of the things I struggle with in life are rooted in feeling lonely and afraid of being alone.  But as my mum reminds me, it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.  That can be even lonelier than being on your own.

 

Bruises and wounds heal with time, and I've been encouraged recently by being able to use some of my past experiences and struggles to support some dear friends.  And even as I sit and write this, I know that I can learn from the hurt and loneliness I'm feeling today and maybe use it to help someone in the future.  So I will keep trying to be open and making myself vulnerable, sharing my mistakes and experiences, what I'm learning and what I think needs to change in my life.  But I will try to be more careful about protecting myself, setting healthy boundaries and recognising when my intentions aren't helpful.  I will also keep trying to make myself available to people and give them time to speak and be heard, in order that they at least have the opportunity to open up, should they wish or need to.

 

 

On another note, these are the things that have been making me smile recently...

 

 

Day 132: All this sun is making me want to eat so much healthier; Day 133: Beauty in nature; Day 134: This guy totally came to my rescue this evening after a burst tyre. Thank God for breakdown cover!; Day 135: Treated myself to this wee beauty in work; Day 136: (large) Just had to stop the car & jump over a wall to capture this beautiful sunset & view of the Trossachs; Day 137: Late night kitchen snacking; Day 138: The words on this card made me laugh and cry. So grateful for my best friend, Lynsey.; Day 139: Found the BFG's dream blower!; Day 140: Getting to spend time with Rita, Founder of Dwelling Places

 

Day 141: Right now, there's no place I'd rather be; Day 142: Absolutely needed an evening on the sofa; Day 143: Beautiful colours in the sunshine; Day 144: Feeling almost tropical with these hot pink flowers just outside my door; Day 145: New discovery of the week: bulgar wheat. Nicer than it sounds!; Day 146: Checking up on maw and paw (aka free dinner and an ice cream sitting in the garden); Day 147: Oh hello swiss chocolate!; Day 148: Ultimate multi-tasking... a hairdrying, breakfast eating selfie; Day 149: The sweet smell of honeysuckle in the evening sunshine; Day 150: Officially a church member now

We all fall down

The trouble about blogging when things are going well is that it's easy to feel knocked sideways the next time you have a wobbly moment and wonder if you have spoken too soon.  I received some lovely comments after my last post, which has been very encouraging.  And it's not that anything drastic has happened, but a sharp reminder of a hurtful event has punched me in the stomach this evening.  I could so easily slip back into that pit, falling right past the sign post 'this way for despair, self-pity and regret'.  I'm doing my very best not to open the bar of chocolate that is sitting beside my right now (it's a present for a friend), but it would be much less effort to just open it and stuff my face.

 

The trouble with people is that we need them in our lives, but they can hurt us and we can hurt them.  It's like going on the dodgems at the fairground.  Even if you're driving as carefully as possible it's almost inevitable that you'll hit someone or have someone bump into you.  Or feel the effects of a nearby collision.

 

Is the answer to wait until the ride is empty and then go on yourself?  I don't think.  In some ways I'd like to be in a place where I don't feel pain and hurt.  But if you can't feel these emotions, then neither can you feel joy, love and some of the amazing moments that are dotted throughout our lives.

 

I could elaborate into cheesy analogies about needing a good co-pilot or making sure you wear your seatbelt....  But truthfully, I don't have the answers on how to get the right balance.  And I think that's ok.  I'm not sure any us do.

Jetsetting and Reflecting

I've done an unusual amount of travelling recently - a few days in Istanbul with my dad, a weekend in Cornwall with friends and then a weekend in Northern Ireland for work.  6 flights in the space of 21 days, for 3 very different trips - I think I better plant a few trees to compensate for all that carbon footprint!

 

As good as those three trips were in their own ways, I'm glad to settle back into a quieter routine.  Quieter perhaps isn't the right word, given that from this week onwards I'm going to be working 6 days a week between two jobs.  It's going to be tiring but I'm just so pleased to have a bit more stability in my life again.

 

I had my last session of counselling yesterday.  It's been harder to fit the sessions in recently, but it's also been useful for me to see how I've coped without having that safe place and listening ear every week.  I often find that once you come out the other side of a difficult time that it's hard to remember how bad it was in the midst of it.  Perhaps that's one benefit of keeping a journal.  It was almost a year ago exactly that I wrote the following:

 

            I just feel flat, empty and a bit dead inside.  What is the point?

 

And a few days later:

 

          You know things are bad when even your counsellor is telling you that you've hit rock bottom.

 

I won't claim to be 'sorted' or 'fixed'.  Depression and mental health don't work like that.  But I have worked hard to sort through a lot of painful memories and squashed down emotions over the past 18 months.  I'm aware of sounding pathetically cheesy here, and I don't want to claim that I'm a new person or have reached a place of fully accepting myself.  But my counsellor asked me what I thought the Katie of the future looked like, and for the first time in a long time (perhaps ever) I couldn't think of anything much that I wanted to be different.

 

You have to recognise what a big deal that is for me.  I used to tell my mum that I wanted a personality transplant for birthdays or Christmas.  I used to day dream about being a totally different person and how great it would be.  But I'm never going to be the life and soul of the party, and that's ok.  I don't need to be the popular kid, the one with the guy, the prettiest, sportiest, hundreds of facebook friends, packed social life, the stick thin kid.  I can be the gentle, good listener, compassionate, creative, trustworthy, kind, hard working, perceptive and thoughtful kid.  I can be the person I am and was already.  (And that's not to say that popular people aren't kind, they just don't tend to be that great at listening from my experience.)

 

Sure, there are things I still need to work on like my self-confidence, social life and fears of being alone.  But I'd say reaching this level of self-acceptance instead of self-loathing is a pretty good place to start from.  It's freeing.

 

Here are my photos from the past couple of weeks.  Click on the photos to see larger versions.

 

Day 118: Enjoying a blast of sunshine in between the snow showers!; Day 119: It's definitely been a week for journaling - glad to be able to write things down and have space to process; Day 121: When in Cornwall...; Day 122: Returning home after a fab weekend in Cornwall with some fab friends: Day 123: Sometimes you just need a wee cry on the phone with your mammy to remind you that the sun will shine again; Day 124: Oh so pretty packaging; Day 125: Blue & silver ribbon on a baby gift for a friend; Day 126: Oh I do love a good sunset: Day 127: Another day, another bird's eye view (of the Clyde): Day 128: Great to see this lovely lady again so soon; Day 129: Sunshine & tulips for a lazy Sunday afternoon; Day 131: Pastel colours & sunshine peeking through the blinds in work

 

 

Day 120: Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

(Could this beach be any more beautiful?)

 

 

Day 130: Enjoyed a quieter day & a chance to do some reflecting

Days 96 to 117

I've got a lot of bits and pieces buzzing around my head this week, which I haven't had the chance to process yet, so I'm going to keep this blog post short.  Sometimes all the stuff inside me feels like it might explode out, and I'm not ready to make that public quite yet!

 

So on a safer note, here are my latest photo-a-day pics...

 

 

Day 96: Loving my new birthday bracelet; Day 97: Evening sun in the city; Day 98: Florals and my Paperchain necklace at the ready for a staff night out; Day 99: A fun evening with this little lady (and my friends); Day 100: Celebrating 100 days of #project366 with macarons from a talented colleague; Day 101: Feeling thankful for kind words; Day 102: Managed to swim double what I normally do!; Day 103: Evening candlelight; Day 104: A pre-dinner gin & tonic cupcake!

 

Day 105: Hot chocolate pit-stop on my evening walk; Day 106: The smell of vine tomatoes will always remind me of my Grampa. He used to make me laugh by wearing an (empty) ice cream tub on his head. I miss him.; Day 107: A pre-holiday treat for myself from work; Day 108: Paid off the last wee bit of my car today - it's taken me nearly 3 years so feels like a huge achievement; Day 109: Panoramic of the amazing colourful fountain in Sultanahmet Square, Istanbul; Day 110: Dinner with a view

 

Day 111: I'm in love with all these brightly coloured Turkish lamps!

 

Day 112: Enjoying a bird's eye view; Day 113: Enjoying a final simit in the airport before coming home; Day 114: Enjoyed spending some time with these lovely ladies at the AIM Scottish Conference #teamDP; Day 115: Early birthday celebrations for dad #doubletrouble; Day 116: Meant to go for a swim this evening. Ate a piece of cake instead.; Day 117: Thirty lengths at the pool, check. Earned that slice of cake? Check!