The end of the beginning

It's surreal to think that this is probably my last blog post from Rwanda, before leaving on Saturday.  Now that I am at the end of the 4 months, it seems like it's passed very quickly.  Too quickly!  I don't know if I'm ready to come home yet - I know I don't belong here long term, but I'm not sure where I fit in at home or what's next for me.  Part of me thought I would come to Rwanda on a trip of self-discovery, that I'd solve all my insecurities and go home a very different person with a fresh perspective on life and a new sense of purpose.  But I don't think experiences like this have an end point like that.  They're part of a process, part of a jounrey, and I think coming to Rwanda has been the beginning of the next stage of life for me.

My last couple of weeks in Rwanda have been fairly quiet: moving and stacking bricks, clearing grass for our last umuganda, I shared my testimony with some of the RDIS staff, visiting people, film nights, watching the sunrise, having a girls night for all the ladies we know here, and surviving the last church service (we left after 4 hours and the sermon hadn't even started by that point!).  Yesterday Rwanda celebrated 50 years of independence.  We celebrated it by doing washing, starting to pack, making presents and making the most of the African sun!

I've still not been sleeping that well (not helped by a rat in the ceiling, the gardener outside my window cutting grass at 4am this morning, and a couple of lizards using my suitcase as their trampoline... yes really!).  I'm also still getting some insect bites.  I'm determined to stop the bites before the weekend in order to avoid being greeted in Heathrow by a decontamination unit and a boiler suit to wear on the journey home.

It's hard to tell how my time here has impacted me - I think it's too soon to tell and I'm more likely to notice differences when I get back home (I hope I do anyway!).  I will miss Rwanda - the people I've met, the beautiful scenery, sunrises and sunsets, the food and the opportunities I've had here.  I'm going to miss the 4 girls I've been here with - Alice, Becca, Katie C and Sarah.  We get on so well and I've loved having their company.  However it will be nice to go home and have more independence, not be shouted at and followed because I'm white, and to have fewer cultural/ language misunderstandings.  And yes, I'm looking forward to my bowl of fruit and fibre with proper milk in the airport.  And to being an aunty again in the next week or so!

So I want to thank everyone who's been following my Rwandan adventure.  And to everyone who has commented on the blog or been in touch via emails, letters, text, facebook, my parents.  Also to those who have prayed for me.  It means so much to me to know that there are people who are interested in what I've been doing and have been thinking of me.  I hope to keep up with the blog when I get home, with reflections and hopefully news on the next step for me.

Prayer points

- For a great last few days in Rwanda

- For safety as we leave Rwanda - Becca travels to South Africa on Saturday morning, and Alice, Katie C, Sarah and I leave in the afternoon and get back to Heathrow at 7.15am on Sunday.  I then have a long drive back up to Stirling with mum and dad!

- That I'd settle back into life at home, but not get too settled!

- For guidance over the future and the next step to take

- That my time here would have a lasting impact on my life

Hope to see you all soon!!  Love from the slightly less frightened traveller. x

It's the final count down...

Just a quick update as it's not long since I last blogged but I'm never sure when I'll next have internet access...

Life continues to be quiet, but we're making the most of our time and finding things to keep us occupied.  On Saturday we had our last teaching sessions at Compassion.  I can't say I'll miss it, but it's been a good experience and interesting to have some involvement.  I think one of the most useful things I taught was that the UK was made up of 4 countries, not just England!!  We tried to play some games with them as a fun way to end our time, but trying to explain a game to over 200 children through a translator isn't the easiest task.  Add balloons to that and you have chaos!  On Sunday we went to 2 services, the second of which is probably the best church we've been to so far.  Shame we only have 1 Sunday left here!  We've also been visiting some of the staff and people we know here for tea and dinner.  More juice and jam labelling today.

I continue to have mixed feelings about staying here and going home, but I think that's normal and just part of the process of coming to the end of an experience like this.  I don't know what to expect from life at home, and worry about not fitting back in but also about fitting back in too well.  There must be a balance somewhere, and I expect I will find it in time (this goes back to the comfortably uncomfortable idea).  Meanwhile I'm enjoying my time left in Rwanda and being with the team - I'm going to miss them a lot!

Thanks for prayers about sleep and bites - both have slightly improved, which is good. :)

Safari!

Yesterday we went on a safari!  15 of us packed into the van and left Cyakabiri at 4.30am to drive to Akagera National Park in the east of Rwanda.  The landscape over in the east is so different compared to to the rest of the country - flatter and drier rather than lush, green hills.  It's one thing to see these animals in the zoo, but to see impala, buffalo, zebra and giraffes wandering across the African savannah is something else!  We were allowed to get out of the van near the giraffes - amazing!  We also saw monkeys, another type of antelope, lots of birds and a hippo's bum.  It was an experience I'll never forget (the whole day, not just the hippo!).  (Photos to follow once I get home)

As if that wasn't enough wildlife for one day, I had 2 lizards fall onto my bag about a foot from my head during the night - I don't know who got more of a fright - me or them!  Thank goodness for mosquito nets.

The night before safari we watched The Lion King on dvd.  I'd forgotten what a great film it is and couldn't help but cry most of the way through (that opening scene... even more spectacular when you're actually watching it in Africa!).

Not much else has happened since I last blogged.  Life is quiet here but we're able to find things to do on the days where nothing is planned for us.  I feel more settled this week - happy to be here, adjusting to the thought of coming home but not thinking too much about all that it brings.

Prayer points

- I've been sleeping really badly for the past couple of weeks and seem to be getting into a bad habit of staying awake or not being able to stay asleep.

- I have about 50-60 new bites on my legs, feet, hands, tummy and neck and they're driving me crazy!  It's so hard not to scratch and very frustrating as I don't know where they're coming from or how to stop them.  It's definitely contributing to my lack of sleep.  I know that part of being here is dealing with stuff like insect bites, but it would be so good not to have to put up with it (or at least not as many) for my last 2 weeks in Rwanda!

Descent

Last week we finished our month of traveling around Rwanda and returned to Cyakabiri, which was our base for the first 2 months.  In many ways it felt like coming home and it's been good to see our friends here again and to get back into jobs we know we're good at, like labeling juice and jam!  Since coming back we've also visited a rice plantation (or lice, as Rwandans say!) and a cassava flour production plant, renovated a kitchen garden, taught another 2 lessons at Compassion (it never goes well but it's not awful either) and survived an 8 hour session at church/ a CD launch at a local high school (and that was with leaving early!).  I realised this week how terrible I am at languages (including English) when we sat in on a German lesson and I could hardly remember a thing, despite studying it for 5 years .  To be fair I did leave school 9 years ago and haven't used it since, but it doesn't excuse my appalling knowledge of English grammar.  We constantly meet people here who can speak at least 2 or 3 languages, compared to us who can only really speak one.  The highlight of the past week was gate-crashing a wedding last weekend, held in the conference hall just beside our compound.  We heard lots of cars driving past so went out to have a look and ended up being invited in, despite being in our jeans, pyjamas and hoodies!  We sat near the back with all the children who'd sneaked in and enjoyed the traditional dancing, acrobatics, 12 piece wedding cake and indoor fireworks!  It was a surreal evening.  A low point of the week was witnessing a crash between a car and a motorbike taxi.  Everyone survived but the 2 people on the bike were potentially quite injured so were bundled into a passing car and rushed off to hospital.  I felt very grateful for the NHS and ambulance service we have at home, but wonder what will happen to the driver of the motorbike.  It looked as if he might have broken his leg but I'm pretty sure he won't be receiving any sick pay or benefits while he's off work.

I've been feeling a bit all over the place this week and can't figure out what's going on in my head.  My time in Rwanda has been both amazing and challenging, and I really want to enjoy the remaining 3 weeks of being here.  I'm very aware of time running out and I know I'm starting to prepare myself in my head for going home.  (I'm managing to resist starting to pack/ sort my things out... just!)  As much as it will be good to go home, I'm also beginning to feel quite nervous about it.  There are a lot of uncertainties about life after Rwanda and I find it hard not to worry about it all.  I suppose I'm putting too much pressure on myself and just need to relax and take each day as it comes!

Prayer points
- That I would stop over-thinking and just enjoy!
- Thanks for continued good health and great relationships on the team
- That the next 3 weeks wouldn't go too quickly!

Cooking kitchen in the chicken

Sometimes it's reassuring to know that it's not just me who struggles with languages.  We were recently with a Rwandese friend who was praying and gave thanks for those cooking in the chicken.  Experiencing a different culture can be challenging at times - like being asked if you are a boy or a girl, why you're not married at 27, and curious people touching your arm in the street to see if your skin is real.  We often get followed or surrounded in our van, which can be both funny and intimidating. I now know what animals in the zoo must feel like!

Our time in Kigeme has been pretty mixed.  I've survived 3 mornings of teaching in the local high school and a morning of teaching in a nursery school.  I have a new found respect for all teachers and am even more convinced that I will never be a teacher.  On Saturday we went to 'Super Star' - the Rwandan version of X Factor, minus Simon Cowell.  The music definitely wasn't to my taste, but it was great for people watching and good fun to be out and about.  The 10 acts tour round the country and people vote by text, with the winner announced in August.  We also took part in another umuganda/ community day where we helped to collect and move bricks for building a church.  I only just managed to carry my 4 bricks back up the hill, puffing and wheezing behind a lady carrying 17 bricks... on her head!  Even the small children could carry more than me.  Another humbling experience!  We've also visited a hydroelectricity place (taking the shortcut down a very steep hill to get there - I definitely don't have my dad's genes as my legs were like jelly by the time I got to the bottom), played basketball with some high shool kids (who took it far too seriously!) and have taken Sunday School with about 2 mintues notice.

Yesterday we visited a 68 year old lady who has been helped by RDIS.  She lives with 3 of her 9 children, and 1 grandchild in a small mud and wood built house.  They have almost nothing - a hoe, 1 mattress, a mat for the floor, a bench and a few jerry cans and that's about it.  She doesn't have a kitchen so cooks down in the valley by her old house and then brings the food back up the hill to eat.  She earns a little bit of moeny by digging in the fields for other people, but is unable to send her bright, 3rd youngest child to boarding school for a better education and can't afford health insurance for the 5 of them.  This costs around 3pounds each per year.  She is old and doesn't have good health, with possible high blood pressure/ heart problems.  It's unlikely that she will receive much more help from the church or community as there are so many others in similar or worse situations.  I felt really upset while we were there and after leaving. It's so unfair that we could just get into our van and drive off, leaving this lady stuck there living in poverty.  Where is the fairness in your place of birth having such an impact of your life?  I feel overwhelmed by the need that we saw there and the knowledge that there are so many others like her.  And I'm not sure how to respond.  Ok, there's the instant reaction of feeling sad, upset and angry but where do I go from there?  How do I remember to pray for the people I've met?  How can I practically make a difference - like with the money I fundraised?  What can I do when I get home to continue to support RDIS and Rwanda, and relate to others what I've seen here?  How can I use this expereince to change me attitudes towards life, spending, career choices, priorities etc?  And to change my day to day living?

On a lighter note, we return to Cyakabiri tomorrow and are all looking forward to seeing familiar people and places.  This month of travelling has been a really mixed experience, but it has been great to see more of Rwanda and do different things.  Hard to believe this is our lst month here!

Prayer requests:

- for the lady we met and all those living in similar situations

- thanks for my foot getting better

- that we have a great last month in Rwanda

Kigeme

So we arrived safely in Kigeme on Sunday after another epic journey through Nyongwe forest. 

During the rest of our time in Cyangugu...
- we visited some local schools where we did praise and worship with the kids (I say kids, one of the schools was 250 teenage boys).  We did a short play on the prodigal son, some singing (still no where near as good as they are!) and joined in with the dancing.  All a bit scary, but good fun.
- Worked in e tree nursery
- Sat by the river and looked across to the Congo on the other side.  Lake Kivu is beautiful and it was so nice to be beside water again.
- Visited a lady supported by RDIS.  She prayed for a roof for her house and had her prayers answered when the church decided to support her and help put a roof on her house.  Certainly challenged me over what I pray for - God can answer big and small prayers.
- I bought some more fabric from the market - the fabric here is amazing, so colourful!
- I felt challenged over my attitudes towards difficult people and how I deal with others.  I want to be a kind and gentle person and instead feel like I'm too cynical and serious.
- We took part in umuganda (the Saturday community day) - it's amazing to see a community come together for the morning.  We were moving stones/ rocks to be used for the foundation for a new church building as their existing building has been condemned.  All those hours spent moving delivery boxes in the shop have finally paid off!  It was good to get involved and show that white girls can work hard!
- We stayed in a lovely house with sofas, which I definitely appreciated.

We're staying in Nyamagabe in Kigeme Diocese.  It's certainly colder than Cyangugu (although today is very hot).  The guesthouse isn't as nice, but is still fine - we are always looked after and welcomed wherever we go.  So far we've looked round some projects, including a really inspiring community who grow crops together and split the profits/ food.  I feel challenged to do more work in the community when I get home.  This morning we were teaching in a local high school (a lesson on conjunctions, hope you're proud mum!) and will be teaching again tomorrow and Friday.  I was feeling sick with nerves beforehand but thankfully we weren't teaching on our own, which made a massive difference.  We also had a rat in the dining room of the guesthouse the other night, which was both horrible and very entertaining!

Prayer points would be:
- For a good time in Kigeme.  We're here till the 7th June, then go back to Cyakabiri for the last month.
- I have a swollen foot - possibly an infection or allergic reaction to an insect bite. Either way it's not very pleasant and would be good if it went back to normal.
- I've been thinking more about my character and who I want to be (or rather who God wants me to be).  I feel I need to change but am not sure how to.
- On a similar note, I'd like to be better at choosing to make myself heard and seen.  But also looking for those who also feel unseen and unheard.


Thanks again to those who read the blog - I really appreciate it!  If you were thinking of writing to me, I'd say best not to post anything after this week as it takes about a month for me to get anything, and I only have just over 5 weeks left here.  Hope all is well at home - I hear it's been hot! xx

Muraho Cyangugu!

So we arrived safely in Cyangugu on Friday.  In the morning we went for a last walk round the university campus and saw some monkeys.  Can't imagine going to a uni where monkeys just roam around the campus!  Being around students and young people all week made me realise how much I miss that community and fellowship you have as a student.  Life can pretty lonely in Stirling, and that's one thing I'm not looking forward to when I get home.  It's also so good to spend time with the girls on the team - I'm so grateful that we get on as well as we do.

On the journey to Cyangugu we travelled through Nyunwe forest - a very twisty road and I spent most of the journey through the forest with my head out of the window - a lot of fun!  We saw another monkey there too.  It's not as rural here in Cyangugu as I thought it would be, but still quite a different feel from Butare and Cyakabiri/ Muhanga.  We can see across Lake Kivu to the DRC and on Saturday went to the border.  (don't worry parents, we didn't go in!)  We also saw the hills of Burundi and visited a hot spring.

Cyangugu isn't without it's challenges.  I feel very insecure here, more so than the other places we've stayed and feel very judged for being a quiet person.  I can't sing, dance or play sport.  I'm not good at talking to people I don't know and I'm not good at speaking up in conversations.  I know I need to put these worries aside and focus on the things I'm good at/ can do (....what are they again?!...) but it's hard.

Thanks to Dianne Y and Gill F for the post - lovely to hear from home.

Farewell Butare

In my previous blog post I mentioned being challenged by some of the things I've seen here in Rwanda.  A couple of weeks ago we visited a lady helped by the Transform team from 2011.  She lives in a fairly basic house, built from wood, mud, stones and cement with 3 of her children.  She cooks inside the house using eucalyptus leaves as she can't afford charcoal, but has to keep a close eye on the fire as the leaves are very flammable.  During the day her 3 goats live outside, but at night they are kept in the 'kitchen' in order to keep them safe.  Understandably this makes the house smell.  She was very grateful to God for providing for her, and thanked us for taking the time to visit her.

This week in Butare we have been helping another woman and her 4 children with building a new home for them.  They used to live in a grass house but this was destroyed making them homeless, so for the past 7 months they have been living in the local church.  A plot of land was found for them and they built the frame of the house using branches and bits of wood.  The walls were then filled in with mud and we've been helping by putting another layer of mud both inside and outside.  This bit was good fun actually - throwing mud against a wall is quite therapeutic!  Tin sheets have been put on as a roof and wooden doors and windows.  I think the exterior walls will also be cemented, depending on money, which would make them more able to withstand the rain.  The woman has malaria at the moment, and didn't look at all well.  Again she was thankful to God, and thanked us for our help.

Someone we met this week asked if we'd transformed any lives yet, given we're called the Transform Team.  It made me wonder if I'm really helping anyone or am I doing something in order to make myself feel good?  Who is really being transformed here?  A book I was reading the other week (Shane Claiborne - The Irresistible Revolution) talked about putting faces to problems such as poverty and how this breaks down the walls of separation between 'us' and 'them'.  I would hope that the work I'm involved with here is doing some good, but I'm also realistic about it - I'm pretty sure the longer term impact will be on my life.  I'm becoming increasingly aware that my time here in Rwanda is running out (about 7 weeks left) and I want to make the most of it.  There's a lot I still want to work on in my own life as well as enjoying being here in Rwanda and finding ways to help the people we meet.

Tomorrow we leave for Cyangugu and then move onto Kigeme on the 27th May before going back to Cyakabiri on the 8th June for our last month.  Overall I've enjoyed being in Butare.  Ok, so the water being off for the majority of our time here, the mosque with loud 5am prayer calls nearby, the spider infestation in my room and more insect bites haven't been ideal...  But the friendly welcome, increased independence, ice cream shop, washing our own clothes, a visit to the national museum, meeting students from the university, an english speaking church service and joining an english speaking Bible study group have been great!  People joked with us that we would all get stalkers here in Butare - the only thing attracted to me here seems to be fleas, not boys, but that's ok!  I managed not to wash my hair for 7 days - a big achievement for me (I wash, blow dry and straighten my hair everyday at home)!  My hair felt horrible and greasy but I've surprised myself by not feeling too bothered about it.  Wondering how else I could challenge and push myself, such as talking more to people rather than writing about how I feel.

As always I'm grateful for the comments and for people who ask mum and dad how I'm getting on.  Felt quite homesick last weekend, but I'm doing ok now.

Prayer points would be:
- confidence in myself and being able to talk more to others
-safety in travel, especially round Cyangugu where the roads are meant to be quite bad in places
-more opportunities to serve and help others

Eating my words

Well, after writing on my last blog post that I would like to learn how to live a more uncomfortable life, we have come to Butare where there is no running water and I have been getting more bites again!  I think it's probably good for me.  Trying to see how long I can last for without washing my hair (a big thing for me).  The contrasts of life here in Rwanda seems more apparent in Butare, which is a university town.  It only takes a short drive from the centre of Butare to find families living in mud made houses, or living in a church because they have been made homeless.  It makes me appreciate the life I have at home - as well as frustrated and challenged over the unfairness of life. 

Last weekend we were at a wedding - an interesting experience.  There were no cows unfortunately - just someone dressed to represent the cow.  We've also celebrated Sarah's birthday and started our month of travelling.  It's good to see new places.

Just a short post today, hope to write more soon.  Thanks for post, comments and continued prayers. x

Comfortably uncomfortable

As I think I’ve said before, in theory I love the idea of travelling.  But the reality of power cuts, water cuts, bugs, bites, language barriers, lack of space and freedom does sometimes get to me!  (Although we are taken care of and looked after so well, so don't feel too sorry for me!)  I don’t like feeling uncomfortable and I miss the ease and familiarity of life at home.  But didn’t I come here because I wanted to challenge myself and step out of that comfort zone?  Life at home had become uncomfortably comfortable – it was easy just to float along in life.  Instead, I would like to get to the point where I feel comfortably uncomfortable.  As in actively choosing a lifestyle that doesn’t follow the easy and straightforward path.  Being able to embrace different and difficult situations.  I think there’s a lot more I could be doing to push myself further out of my comfort zones.  Easier said than done!

Someone took me aside the other week and asked me if I was ok, as I was so quiet – was there something wrong?  As kind as it was for them to have noticed me and asked, I did feel a bit upset about it.  I hate being quiet and shy, and don’t like that people often assume something must be wrong.  People are different in the way they show their emotions.  I know it’s another thing I could be working on.  I worry that many of my bad qualities are coming out while here (eg. my lack of tolerance, insecurities, a bit uptight, quick to get frustrated etc).  Where is the balance between changing things about your personality and learning to accept yourself?  I often feel inadequate and still wonder why I’m here in Rwanda and part of this team.

Activities-wise, things have been fairly quiet.  A couple of weeks ago we went to the genocide memorial in Kigali.  I really didn’t know what to expect from it, but it was informative, well laid out, respectful, thought provoking, shocking and deeply upsetting.  I’m glad we visited, but it was also very good when we left – I couldn’t take much more of it.  The next day we went on a trip to Kibuye, by Lake Kivu.  The drive there was incredible – amazing scenery!  We stopped off at an impressive waterfall, but the best bit had to be the first glimpses of Lake Kivu.  The sun was setting, the light was amazing and it was beautiful and exciting to see the water.  We stayed over at a place run by nuns, then on the Saturday took a boat trip out to Napoleon Island, which is home to several thousand fruit bats and a herd of cows (yes really!).  It was good to go out and about, but also nice to come back to Cyakabiri (where we live) – it feels very familiar now.  Next week we will be travelling to Butare, Cyangug & Kigeme for almost 5 weeks.  I’m looking forward to seeing more of Rwanda and learning more about the people.

Last Saturday we took part in ‘Umuganda’, which is where people do community work on the morning of the last Saturday of the month.  We dug holes for and planted passion fruit trees.  I’ve had the fabric I bought made into trousers!  I’ve worn them to church here but I think they might just be pyjamas when I get home – they’re pretty crazy and bright!  The woman who made them works at the ‘Youth At Risk’ project next door to us.  Watching her churn out clothes and make alterations actually made me want to use my sewing machine again – something I haven’t felt like doing for a long time!  Given how I usually feel about being creative, I take this as a good sign!  I also taught the other girls how to make origami birds and did some mending of clothes.  This was perhaps the first time I really felt I was contributing something to the group.  It would be so good if I could go home with a more positive attitude to my creative skills (did I just admit I have creative skills?!).  Yesterday we had 2 amazing treats - homemade pizza (first time I've had cheese since leaving home) and a lesson on how to make samosas (complicated, don't get your hopes up mum!)!

I didn’t get a place on the CAP internship program.  I’m disappointed and don’t have the means to get feedback, so am not sure why.  At the same time, there’s not a lot I can do about looking or applying for something else while here.  I’m pleasantly surprised by the fact that I’m not really stressed and worked up about it.  Obviously the thought of going home with no idea of what the future holds isn’t ideal, but it’s not a disaster.  I’ve been thinking of Proverbs 3: 5-6 ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths’.  Hoping my parents aren’t too worried that I will be living with them forever?!

Prayer points would be:

-          That I wouldn’t worry about the future, instead trusting that God has something else in store for me (career advice/ job offers are welcome!)

-          That I would stop getting insect bites.  I’ve had over 50 in the past couple of weeks.  It’s pretty unpleasant waking up at night knowing you’re getting bitten but not knowing what it is, not being able to see them and not knowing how to stop it.  I’m getting better at not scratching but it would be nice if I didn’t get many/any more bites for a while!  Other than that I’m keeping healthy.

-          That I would continue to challenge myself but also give myself a break – it’s unrealistic to expect to change overnight and I could do with learning to accept myself a bit more, warts and all.  Where is that balance?

-          For safety as we travel around Rwanda from 8^th May till 8^th June.

Thanks again for reading my blog and for those who have left comments.  It means a lot to me!  Sorry I've not been able to regularly update it. Thanks also for the promises of post.  I’ve received 3 cards so far, which is lovely – it’s so special to hear from home.  (Congrats to Lynsey Stewart for being the first, second prize goes to Jennifer Morris)  I’m not sure how much if any internet access I’ll have from next week.  Will try to update the blog, or get mum and dad to do it for me.