Help, I Need Somebody

I've not been keeping up with my blog all that well recently.  I also haven't written in my journal for over a month, and I'm really feeling it.  If I've learnt anything over the past few years, it's that I need to write for my well-being.  It's how I process my thoughts and work through situations.  It's how I clear my head.  I also enjoy it, and get a lot out of writing on here.  But it feels like a struggle this evening, and I find that quite frustrating.

 

I don't like feeling this tired or that I'm just 'getting through the week'.  I've found it hard to adjust to working full time again and could do with improving the balance between work and home, quiet time and socialising, resting and exercising.  Despite being an adult (apparently), I still need to get better at looking after myself.  Sometimes I feel like I'm on it and that I've got this whole life thing sussed.  And other times I almost wish I was back home and had my mum to cook my dinner and tell me to go to bed (that's not an invitation to boss me around mum!).  I feel a bit small and like I've lost some of my confidence (again).  It's not just children who need someone to reassure them that it's going to be ok.  As I've written about before, I don't want to rely on other people in order to feel good about myself.  But neither do I want to keep my thoughts to myself, nor only express them from behind the security of a screen.  We all need support and help from time to time.  It's just not that easy to ask for it.

 

 

Here are my photos from the past few weeks.  Hard to believe that I'm over half-way now!

 

 

Day 172: It may just look like an ordinary pile of letters waiting to be posted... but it represents 12 more children being sponsored, mosquito nets being bought and people who willingly give their time to support something they believe in;

Day 173: Finally sorted my photos from China...2 years on; Day 174: Minty bubbles in my belly; Day 175: New bowl.  Cos it's pretty; Day 176: Flamingo confetti!; Day 177: Because it's been a 'bowl of cereal and cookies for dinner' kind of day; Day 178: Beautiful new picture frames; Day 179: Post-work naps; Day 180: Spent my day off dress shopping

 

Day 181: Preparations are well underway for the (hen) weekend; Day 182: Just chillin with my ice cream; Day 183: Hen party!; Day 184: Crown making with my besties; Day 185: (large) Circle of friendship; Day 186: Wishing I could turn back time to relive the weekend; Day 187: Survived my first day in charge of the shop; Day 188: Painted panel love; Day 189: Love the light

Low battery

Today I am feeling tired and a bit down, so this is going to be short.  Work feels quite consuming at the moment, and I'm struggling to find the time or energy to do much else.  I'm thankful to be cutting my hours from next week onwards.  So here are my photos from the past few weeks, taking me up to Sunday 19th June. 

 

 

Day 151: Dug my ukulele out for a wee strum; Day 152: A walk in the sunshine with a friend to shake off the stresses of the day; Day 153: Funny faces with this little lady; Day 154: How can I not have noticed this beauty right outside the front door before?!; Day 155: Loving my new flamingo plates; Day 156: Bedtime stories don't get much cuter than this: Day 157: Evening walk in the beautiful sunshine; Day 158: Berry good; Day 159: (large) Best night ever, seeing Coldplay live at Hampden!; Day 160: Needed a wee mango juice to cool off (and wake me up); Day 161: Loving my pineapple pyjamas; Day 162: Friday treats

 

Day 163: Orchids have to be one of the most beautiful flowers ever; Day 164: What a lovely belated birthday present to receive - framed drawings from my wee nieces; Day 165: Enjoying the beautiful colours in this lantern; Day 166: Doing some clearing out and came across some treasures; Day 167: Shadow love; Day 168: Hot chocolate and good company; Day 169: Room with a view; Day 170: Birthday and hen night fun for this lovely lady; Day 171: Hey, I put some new shoes on!

Open Wounds

I've been thinking about vulnerability recently, and the impact that this can have on people.  I think there is a huge amount of value in vulnerability, but also recognise that it needs to be used with caution.  There are times when people just need to talk and to be heard.  It's not going to be helpful if I open up about my own experiences of that situation and make 'helpful' suggestions.  But equally sometimes it takes opening up about something I've gone through to help other people feel comfortable enough to express their own feelings.  We can be surprised to learn that we're not alone in feeling awkward in a particular situation or that we share similar struggles in life with the person that you thought had it all together.

 

I've been pretty open at times on this blog, and it's made me feel quite vulnerable afterwards.  But I know that some people have really identified with what I've written and that it's been helpful to them to know that they are not alone in feeling like that.  Which in turn has helped me to feel like I'm not alone, and has encouraged me that what I've been through might help others in a very small way.  I don't see vulnerability as a weakness.  When used appropriately, it can be a real strength.

 

Having said that, there are definite disadvantages to vulnerability as well.  I've been in situations over the past year where I've said too much, trying to get the other person to reciprocate and let down their defence walls in order to let me near them.  You can't force closeness, and I think that's what I was trying to do.  The consequences are that I've been badly hurt, feel totally rejected and am left wishing I had kept better boundaries.  It's a bit like love - it can feel amazing and free-ing, but it can also leave you feeling trapped and exposed, and open to pain, hurt and betrayal.

 

It could be easy to walk away or to close off from others after experiences like that.  But I believe there is value in persisting and showing that person that you don't want to give up on them.  That they are worth fighting for and giving them that second or third or tenth chance.  As a Christian, I want to demonstrate forgiveness to others, just as God has forgiven me and given me chance after chance despite all the things I keep doing.  But how many times do you need to be hurt before you decide to walk away?  Yes, I believe in forgiveness, but that doesn't mean I need or should keep that person in my life if the friendship is not good for me.  Many of the things I struggle with in life are rooted in feeling lonely and afraid of being alone.  But as my mum reminds me, it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.  That can be even lonelier than being on your own.

 

Bruises and wounds heal with time, and I've been encouraged recently by being able to use some of my past experiences and struggles to support some dear friends.  And even as I sit and write this, I know that I can learn from the hurt and loneliness I'm feeling today and maybe use it to help someone in the future.  So I will keep trying to be open and making myself vulnerable, sharing my mistakes and experiences, what I'm learning and what I think needs to change in my life.  But I will try to be more careful about protecting myself, setting healthy boundaries and recognising when my intentions aren't helpful.  I will also keep trying to make myself available to people and give them time to speak and be heard, in order that they at least have the opportunity to open up, should they wish or need to.

 

 

On another note, these are the things that have been making me smile recently...

 

 

Day 132: All this sun is making me want to eat so much healthier; Day 133: Beauty in nature; Day 134: This guy totally came to my rescue this evening after a burst tyre. Thank God for breakdown cover!; Day 135: Treated myself to this wee beauty in work; Day 136: (large) Just had to stop the car & jump over a wall to capture this beautiful sunset & view of the Trossachs; Day 137: Late night kitchen snacking; Day 138: The words on this card made me laugh and cry. So grateful for my best friend, Lynsey.; Day 139: Found the BFG's dream blower!; Day 140: Getting to spend time with Rita, Founder of Dwelling Places

 

Day 141: Right now, there's no place I'd rather be; Day 142: Absolutely needed an evening on the sofa; Day 143: Beautiful colours in the sunshine; Day 144: Feeling almost tropical with these hot pink flowers just outside my door; Day 145: New discovery of the week: bulgar wheat. Nicer than it sounds!; Day 146: Checking up on maw and paw (aka free dinner and an ice cream sitting in the garden); Day 147: Oh hello swiss chocolate!; Day 148: Ultimate multi-tasking... a hairdrying, breakfast eating selfie; Day 149: The sweet smell of honeysuckle in the evening sunshine; Day 150: Officially a church member now

We all fall down

The trouble about blogging when things are going well is that it's easy to feel knocked sideways the next time you have a wobbly moment and wonder if you have spoken too soon.  I received some lovely comments after my last post, which has been very encouraging.  And it's not that anything drastic has happened, but a sharp reminder of a hurtful event has punched me in the stomach this evening.  I could so easily slip back into that pit, falling right past the sign post 'this way for despair, self-pity and regret'.  I'm doing my very best not to open the bar of chocolate that is sitting beside my right now (it's a present for a friend), but it would be much less effort to just open it and stuff my face.

 

The trouble with people is that we need them in our lives, but they can hurt us and we can hurt them.  It's like going on the dodgems at the fairground.  Even if you're driving as carefully as possible it's almost inevitable that you'll hit someone or have someone bump into you.  Or feel the effects of a nearby collision.

 

Is the answer to wait until the ride is empty and then go on yourself?  I don't think.  In some ways I'd like to be in a place where I don't feel pain and hurt.  But if you can't feel these emotions, then neither can you feel joy, love and some of the amazing moments that are dotted throughout our lives.

 

I could elaborate into cheesy analogies about needing a good co-pilot or making sure you wear your seatbelt....  But truthfully, I don't have the answers on how to get the right balance.  And I think that's ok.  I'm not sure any us do.

Jetsetting and Reflecting

I've done an unusual amount of travelling recently - a few days in Istanbul with my dad, a weekend in Cornwall with friends and then a weekend in Northern Ireland for work.  6 flights in the space of 21 days, for 3 very different trips - I think I better plant a few trees to compensate for all that carbon footprint!

 

As good as those three trips were in their own ways, I'm glad to settle back into a quieter routine.  Quieter perhaps isn't the right word, given that from this week onwards I'm going to be working 6 days a week between two jobs.  It's going to be tiring but I'm just so pleased to have a bit more stability in my life again.

 

I had my last session of counselling yesterday.  It's been harder to fit the sessions in recently, but it's also been useful for me to see how I've coped without having that safe place and listening ear every week.  I often find that once you come out the other side of a difficult time that it's hard to remember how bad it was in the midst of it.  Perhaps that's one benefit of keeping a journal.  It was almost a year ago exactly that I wrote the following:

 

            I just feel flat, empty and a bit dead inside.  What is the point?

 

And a few days later:

 

          You know things are bad when even your counsellor is telling you that you've hit rock bottom.

 

I won't claim to be 'sorted' or 'fixed'.  Depression and mental health don't work like that.  But I have worked hard to sort through a lot of painful memories and squashed down emotions over the past 18 months.  I'm aware of sounding pathetically cheesy here, and I don't want to claim that I'm a new person or have reached a place of fully accepting myself.  But my counsellor asked me what I thought the Katie of the future looked like, and for the first time in a long time (perhaps ever) I couldn't think of anything much that I wanted to be different.

 

You have to recognise what a big deal that is for me.  I used to tell my mum that I wanted a personality transplant for birthdays or Christmas.  I used to day dream about being a totally different person and how great it would be.  But I'm never going to be the life and soul of the party, and that's ok.  I don't need to be the popular kid, the one with the guy, the prettiest, sportiest, hundreds of facebook friends, packed social life, the stick thin kid.  I can be the gentle, good listener, compassionate, creative, trustworthy, kind, hard working, perceptive and thoughtful kid.  I can be the person I am and was already.  (And that's not to say that popular people aren't kind, they just don't tend to be that great at listening from my experience.)

 

Sure, there are things I still need to work on like my self-confidence, social life and fears of being alone.  But I'd say reaching this level of self-acceptance instead of self-loathing is a pretty good place to start from.  It's freeing.

 

Here are my photos from the past couple of weeks.  Click on the photos to see larger versions.

 

Day 118: Enjoying a blast of sunshine in between the snow showers!; Day 119: It's definitely been a week for journaling - glad to be able to write things down and have space to process; Day 121: When in Cornwall...; Day 122: Returning home after a fab weekend in Cornwall with some fab friends: Day 123: Sometimes you just need a wee cry on the phone with your mammy to remind you that the sun will shine again; Day 124: Oh so pretty packaging; Day 125: Blue & silver ribbon on a baby gift for a friend; Day 126: Oh I do love a good sunset: Day 127: Another day, another bird's eye view (of the Clyde): Day 128: Great to see this lovely lady again so soon; Day 129: Sunshine & tulips for a lazy Sunday afternoon; Day 131: Pastel colours & sunshine peeking through the blinds in work

 

 

Day 120: Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

(Could this beach be any more beautiful?)

 

 

Day 130: Enjoyed a quieter day & a chance to do some reflecting

Days 96 to 117

I've got a lot of bits and pieces buzzing around my head this week, which I haven't had the chance to process yet, so I'm going to keep this blog post short.  Sometimes all the stuff inside me feels like it might explode out, and I'm not ready to make that public quite yet!

 

So on a safer note, here are my latest photo-a-day pics...

 

 

Day 96: Loving my new birthday bracelet; Day 97: Evening sun in the city; Day 98: Florals and my Paperchain necklace at the ready for a staff night out; Day 99: A fun evening with this little lady (and my friends); Day 100: Celebrating 100 days of #project366 with macarons from a talented colleague; Day 101: Feeling thankful for kind words; Day 102: Managed to swim double what I normally do!; Day 103: Evening candlelight; Day 104: A pre-dinner gin & tonic cupcake!

 

Day 105: Hot chocolate pit-stop on my evening walk; Day 106: The smell of vine tomatoes will always remind me of my Grampa. He used to make me laugh by wearing an (empty) ice cream tub on his head. I miss him.; Day 107: A pre-holiday treat for myself from work; Day 108: Paid off the last wee bit of my car today - it's taken me nearly 3 years so feels like a huge achievement; Day 109: Panoramic of the amazing colourful fountain in Sultanahmet Square, Istanbul; Day 110: Dinner with a view

 

Day 111: I'm in love with all these brightly coloured Turkish lamps!

 

Day 112: Enjoying a bird's eye view; Day 113: Enjoying a final simit in the airport before coming home; Day 114: Enjoyed spending some time with these lovely ladies at the AIM Scottish Conference #teamDP; Day 115: Early birthday celebrations for dad #doubletrouble; Day 116: Meant to go for a swim this evening. Ate a piece of cake instead.; Day 117: Thirty lengths at the pool, check. Earned that slice of cake? Check!

Days 76 - 95

This time last year, I was coming to terms with the fact that I was now in my thirties. Something I had been dreading, and making sure everyone knew how I felt about it! This year my birthday snuck up on me, and I haven’t had time to think too much about it. Possibly a good thing.

 

Turning 31 definitely feels less of a big deal than turning 30, and I know that I’m in a much better place than I was this time last year. Sure, I still have some of the same fears, most of which I’ve talked about on this blog. I think some of my friends think I’m ridiculous and am over-reacting; I do feel self-conscious about appearing desperate or needy. But I also realise that trying to deny these feelings and fears is unhealthy. 

 

One of the things that I’ve learned over the past year is that I can’t keep defining my self-worth by what other people think of me (or what I perceive they think of me). There is something in my head that equates being in a relationship with being accepted. That my value as a person would be greater if someone thought well enough of me to want to be in a relationship with me. So being single sends the message to my head that I’m not good enough, not pretty or nice or funny enough, that there’s something wrong with me. It’s a big step for me to recognise that this is wrong. I don’t think this is restricted to being in a relationship, as I know I can be unhealthily sensitive about friendships too.

 

Making changes takes time and work. I’ve done a lot of reflecting over the past year, and can see how different parts of my life have affected me and led to the place and person I am now (for both better and worse).  It’s often not until after the event that we can have understanding and insight, and then apply that learning.  I’ve lost the naivety that used to lead me to believe that everything would work out the way I hoped – that all my ducks would end up in a nice, neat row. I’m not trying to sound pessimistic (although I know I have a natural tendency to be), but who am I to say for certain how the next 10 year of my life will turn out?

 

What I am trying to say is that although there is still a lot of uncertainty in my life, I want to do what I can to make positive changes and be able to enjoy the here and now, instead of worry about the past and future.  So I’m gradually trying to change my self-perception and base my self-worth on something more solid. Good foundations are essential to a strong and sturdy house.  Sure there are plenty of areas that still need work, but it's all about baby steps right?

 

With all that in mind, here are the latest photos from my photo-a-day project… Follow me at www.instagram.com/whatkt_didnext 

 

 

Day 76: That's how the cookie crumbles; Day 77: Oh my cod! The fish supper I've been craving; Day 78: In my pjs before 6pm on a Friday night #rocknroll; Day 79: Celebratory afternoon tea;

Day 80: A very busy little bee collecting pollen in the sunshine; Day 81: My lovely mother refusing to be in my photo; Day 82: Waking up to blue skies; Day 83: A brood of Easter chicks

 

Day 84: Getting excited to see Adele live!; Day 85: An amazing evening listening to an incredible voice at the Hydro; Day 86: Framed confetti from last night

 

 

Day 87: A mid-cooking dash to get some eggs for making dinner; Day 88: Finding pretty lights on an evening walk; Day 89: Classic Glasgow weather - sun to hail stones in the space of 30 minutes;

Day 90: Westend landmarks; Day 91: The sun has got his hat on!; Day 92: Early birthday dinner & desserts;

Day 93: Birthday flowers, brownie & cards; Day 94: Continuing my birthday weekend with red velvet cake; Day 95: Bright colours to banish Monday blues

Days 56 to 75

I'm going to keep this short as I am struggling to string a simple sentence together, let alone write anything deep and meaningful.  It's been a while since I worked full time, and I'd forgotten how tiring having two part-time jobs can be.  Not that I'm complaining - I'm so grateful to be in this position and to have a little bit more financial security.  I don't like money, but we all need it to get by.

 

As always, you can click on the photos below to see larger versions.  Follow me on www.instagram.com/muhanga12

 

 

Day 56: I love seeing crocuses at this time of year; Day 57: A silver lining indeed!; Day 58: Happy to have a few shifts back in here again; Day 59: I could get used to these lighter evenings; Day 60: Got the ring, just need a guy to propose to now! I get to keep the ring right?! #banter**; Day 61: Ended up working for most of my day off so went out for a hot chocolate; Day 62: Best discovery of the year so far! #krispykreme; Day 63: There's no place like home, especially with friends like these; Day 64 (large): The face of someone who's just been offered their first permanent job in over 3.5 years!; Day 65: Delicious oreo brownie - just what I needed; Day 66: Unashamedly showing its true colours. Maybe I could learn a thing or two from that; Day 67: Beautiful afternoon sun in Stirling

 

Day 68: A carpet of crocuses; Day 69: Magic mushrooms!; Day 70: Oh Glasgow, you look great in the sunshine!; Day 71: Had a rubbish day so what else was there to do but eat chocolate, sprawl on the sofa and watch YouTube videos of cyclists getting chased by an ostrich; Day 72: Anyone in Stirling lost their toaster? Last spotted on Baker Street, Stirling ~10pm! #authenticstreetfood; Day 73: Lesson of the day - small things can make a big difference (and mini eggs help with last minute presentation writing); Day 74: Perfect day for a long walk beside the canal. Just don't get too close!; Day 75: Savoury comfort food goodness

 

**I should add that this is a fake ring I made from tinfoil and cheap stickers. Not so funny when you have to explain to your parents that it was a joke for February 29th!

Sunny days, rainy days

It comes as a bit of a surprise to me when I have a run of bad days now.  I guess that's a good thing, as it means I'm having more good days than bad.  The downside is that the bad days seem to have an extra sting in their tails.  Last week was grim.  This week has been better.  Last night I laughed so hard my tummy hurt, and it felt really good.

 

It's not that I don't have friends, because I have some amazing people in my life, which I'm very grateful for.  I'm just not very good at being sociable.  I often don't take the initiative to arrange to meet up with people, and tend to think that my friends will probably be busy anyway.  I feel this particularly with friends who are married/ in a relationship/ have kids.  It's not that they don't have time, but I feel I need to respect their time off as they'll be wanting to spend it with their other half/ family.  Perhaps that reflects more on me and my fears of rejections, being left behind and feeling overlooked.  I am trying to be better at arranging to see friends, but I think I need to push myself and start trying to get to know new people as well...  Eep!

 

My 'photo a day of something that makes me smile' project (not very catchy I know) continues.  I've been taking a lot of sky/ sunset photos.  Mostly because it seems like such a novelty to see sun and blue sky after a ridiculously long winter.  You should be able to click on the photo blocks below to see larger versions.  Hope you like them...

 

 

Day 38: Love a bit of avocado with my dinner; Day 39: Can't see the appeal of working out beside the window, even if it is frosted!; Day 40: Spring has sprung!; Day 41: Amazing colours in the sky; Day 42: Another beautiful sunset, this time from Kelvingrove Park; Day 43: Cava and chats with my bestie

 

Day 44: Oreo cookie brownie; Day 45: A walk in the sunshine, snow on the hills & getting out of the city to Glen Luss; Day 46: A swim followed by this cupcake to beat the Monday night blues; Day 47: Most definitely a soup day; Day 48: A few moments of quiet beside the Clyde after a tiring day: Day 49: Nice lines and curves on a bench; Day 50: Reminiscing about my snowboarding days; Day 51: After a bad week, it was nice to FaceTime my wee nieces; Day 52: Needed some time back at home: Day 53: I'm not a fan of selfies, but a good hair day is worth celebrating!; Day 54(large): View from ground level - snowdrops & sunshine: Day 55: (living) room with a view

 

 

You can follow me on Instagram @muhanga12 or view the webpage here: www.instagram.com/muhanga12

Days 17 to 37



Despite saying in my last blog post that I was finding my photo-a-day project a little daunting, I am still enjoying it.  I like having a record of each day - where I've been, a nice view, who I was with, what the weather was like...  Some of the photos make me laugh - yes, I really did take a photo of myself drying my hair.  I felt like a dog hanging out of a car window!  And so far I've only included 2 photos of hot chocolate, which is quite impressive given how often I go to coffee shops.

 

I've included days 17 - 37 below, and remember you can also go to www.instagram.com/muhanga12 to see the photos.  (You don't have to sign up to Instagram to view the webpage.)  Thanks to everyone who has been encouraging about this wee project of mine.  Wish I could see myself the way you see me!

 

 

Day 17: Snowman - Glasgow style; Day 18: Went swimming again for the first time in 5 months & it felt great!; Day 19: Some days just call for hot chocolate; Day 20: Recycled necklace, now an ornament; Day 21: I love raspberry jelly; Day 22: Friday night cinema trip; Day 23: Reclaiming some of my aloe vera plants from home; Day 24: What Sunday afternoons are made for; Day 25: Alternative Burns supper - haggis pakora, rice & veggies.

 

Day 26: Pretty puddle reflections; Day 27: Say cheese!; Day 28: Childhood memories of my mum using these pens; Day 29: A wild, windy day but pretty in lights; Day 30: LOVE these guys; Day 31: A new notebook for my new course on sustainable development in sub-Saharan Africa; Day 32: Pretty nails; Day 33: So good to see some sun again; Day 34: Hair drying selfie; Day 35: Another day, another hot chocolate; Day 36: Crazy golf!; Day 37: Sunshine in a glass.