Sewing Projects - Part 2

19. Make something new on my sewing machine every month

 

Read Part 1 by clicking here.

 

 

After seeing a photo of myself in this dress last summer, I decided that it needed a strap to break up the expanse that is my right arm and shoulder.  I love this dress, and although it was quite expensive, it’s already met my sewing machine a few times for alterations and being taken in/ let out.  I added the strap in October, in time for a friend’s wedding (although don't seem to have a photo of me wearing it).  In November I made a scarf, which I’ve also claimed for number 17 on my list (make an item of clothing for myself), and December was a last minute panic make to tie round a present for a friend.  I made a bit more of an effort in January and created a jewellery travel roll.  I’d looked at lots of pictures on Pinterest and picked out the bits I liked best, and made my own pattern up.  It’s not as neatly finished off as I would like, but it’s pretty and practical – always a good combination in my book.

 

 

I managed to get in quite early with February’s item and made some bunting for my youngest niece, Carys, as both her older sisters already have some.  I used scrap fabric from some bedding that I had altered for them, and was pleased with how it turned out.  I was also surprised that it was quite straight forward to do, although relatively time consuming as I was drawing out the letters by hand rather than tracing it from a script.  And in March, I whipped up a wee case for my phone and a couple of shopper style bags.  My iron decided to stop working during the bag making process, so thankfully my hair straighteners came to the rescue.

 

I have to admit, that I’m relieved to be finished this item on my 30:30 list.  Unlike my monthly book reading project, this got harder as time went on.  I know I have the practical ability to make things on my sewing machine, but I totally lack the necessary creative skills to come up with ideas.  The more I try to feel motivated and inspired, the more frustrated and upset I become.

 

I wrote this in my diary last May and it pretty much sums up how I’ve felt this weekend while working on my sewing projects:

 

Why does my creative side come at such a cost?  It’s so painful at times to try and make things.  I’m not talking about ‘crochet claw’ or ‘embroidery eyes’.  I mean the gut wrenching ‘I can’t do this’, ‘nothing I make is any good’, ‘I should just give all this stuff away and give up’.  All I wanted to do was make a few cards and now I’m fighting to hold back the tears and feeling overwhelmed by all my insecurities related to being arty.  At high school I decided not to go to art school because I didn’t think I was good enough, so stopped at Higher Art.  After dropping out of uni and having a year out at home, I returned to Glasgow to do textiles and fashion design at college.  Then came two difficult years at Art School and somehow I came out the other side.  People tell me the things I make are lovely.  Or ask if I still do my arty stuff.  I try to brush it off and say it’s a hobby, I don’t want to make a career out of it, I make bits and pieces etc.  But I feel embarrassed that all I seem to make are a few cards, the odd bag or something for my nieces.  Shouldn’t I be doing something more worthwhile?  More Art School worthy?  I want to enjoy it, I really do.  And there are times when I do get some satisfaction from being creative.  But the majority of the time it’s such a struggle for me.  And then at the worst times, like this evening, it’s a traumatic experience that leaves me feeling defeated, frustrated and really upset.

 

All I see when I look in my boxes of fabric is the amount of money that I’ve wasted and the lack of ideas in my head.  I can’t seem to overcome the soul destroying impact that my time at Manchester Art School had on me.  Life feels hard enough at the moment, so I think I’m going to pack my sewing machine away for a while and take a break.  Sewing is a useful skill to have, but right now I just can’t face using it.