Maybe this is it?

I wrote this post about 10 days ago and never quite got round to publishing it.  Most of the time I feel ok about being honest on my blog, but I wasn't so sure about sharing this one.  But for some reason, I'm doing it anyway....


My last post was titled 'This isn't everything you are', after a Snow Patrol song.  But what if this is everything I am?  I know people can change over time.  But change can be harder for some than others.  Take a physical example - a person who naturally gains weight very easily will have to work very hard to lose that weight and then keep it off.  There's not much room for 'off' days, as they will all too easily fall off the wagon so to speak, and one biscuit can lead to five which leads to an empty packet (I speak from my own experience there).  This could easily get that person down.  Or they could decide that they are up for a challenge and keep working hard in order to feel the benefits.  Decide...  It has to be a conscious choice.

 

I'm much more of a pessimist than an optimist.  I have a family history of depression.  Looking back, I can see the cycles of depression or depressive episodes that I've gone through since primary school.  When I realised that I was depressed again in summer 2014, I wondered what I had been doing wrong.  Had I got lazy and just slipped back into negative thinking habits?  Shouldn't I be coping better with life?  Most of the people around me seem to cope with what life throws at them, so what's wrong with me?  If I could just find the right medication, or go to enough counselling sessions and journal enough then I will find that 'fix'.  The magic wand.  The fairy dust.  Of course it sounds ridiculously naïve as I type that.  Life doesn't work like that.

 

I had a really hard counselling session a few weeks ago.  'No pain, no gain', I told myself.  And I went home and waited to feel different.  I waited to feel the freedom and release that I expected to come from having touched some very painful memories and feelings.  I thought I would feel a physical weight off my shoulders.  And so I waited.  And began to have doubts.  I asked myself what I was doing wrong.  Maybe I hadn't tried hard enough?  Maybe I hadn't opened up enough?  I shouldn't still feel like this.  I shouldn't still struggle with the same problems that have affected me for the past however many years.  I've talked about these things with counsellors before.  So why do they still upset me?  I shouldn't feel like this.  I should be able to cope better than this. 

 

Is accepting this is going to be a long term fight admitting defeat?  Or just being realistic?  Perhaps it depends which way you look at it.  Part of me longs to get to a point where I just feel 'normal' (whatever normal is) and can put these issues to rest.  A point where this time is the last time.  But in longing for that, am I just adding to the sense of disappointment and frustration that I feel with myself?  My struggle to accept that I'm struggling only seems to make things worse.  I find it hard to allow myself to not be coping.  As if I should be invincible or something.

 

I accept in my head that I will always need to keep an eye on my mental health.  But I think it only really hit home today what that might mean.  The prospect of a constant fight not to eat the whole packet of biscuits.  To dig my heels in when I feel myself slipping down that dark hole.  It makes me feel tired just thinking about it.  I suppose it becomes easier over time.  The more you practice, the more it becomes second nature to reach for the positive reaction over the default negative one.  But the thought of living like this scares me.  What if I don't have the fight in me?  I'm not great at making good choices.  Who would want to be with someone like me if they know there's a chance I'll go through another cycle of depression at some point?  What if I have kids and pass my mess onto them?  What if I can't protect them? 

 

And so the fear of what life might hold stops me from actually living it.  I find myself stuck in a place where I look back with regret, look forward with worry, and miss out on the here and now.  It's not a good place to be.

This Isn't Everything You Are

I spent most of this past weekend having a massive party.  A rockin' pity party with one guest on the invitation list.  Self-pity isn't an attractive quality to possess, and unfortunately I'm quite good at it.

 

A couple of events from Friday and Saturday, mixed with my overactive/ pessimistic imagination, led me to be convinced that I'm going to end up on my own and die a lonely old cat lady.  (I told this to a friend this evening, and she added in being eaten by Alsatians who have already eaten my cats - at least I can see the funny side of it now right?!) 

 

I've been reading a book recently, which presents some interesting thoughts on psychology and happiness.  I came across this last night:

 

Do you believe that your past determines your future?  This is not an idle question of philosophical theory.  To the extent that you believe that the past determines the future, you will tend to allow yourself to be a passive vessel that does not actively change its course.

Martin E.P. Seligman's Authentic Happiness, p66

 

I thought this was a really interesting concept, and one I'd like to spend more time thinking about.  I have a lot of regrets about the past and struggle to come to terms with things that have happened in my life.  My default is usually to focus on disappointments rather than happy memories.  Obviously I can't go back and change the past.  And I recognise that I need to come to a point of understanding these events in my life and acknowledge them (rather than bottling them up or ignoring the pain that they caused).  But then crucially I need to learn from these experiences and move on to the future.  It's something that I've spent a lot of time on in my counselling sessions, and I'm at the stage now where I need to actively decide to make some changes and follow them through.  I'm finding that pretty hard.

 

There's a balance in all of this.  For example, I don't particularly like being quiet and I hate the assumptions that people often make about me as a result of being quiet.  But I also wouldn't want to be the centre of attention all the time and in the spotlight.  But there are steps I could be taking to move from where I am now to somewhere in the middle.  (We often talk about it being like moving the pendulum in my counselling sessions, even just 5% and what that might look like.)  The person I am now isn't everything I am.  (The blog title is taken from a Snow Patrol song, which just happened to be playing as I write this.)  Without trying to sound overly philosophical, I guess we are all trying to work out what kind of person we want to be and what that looks like in practice.  I haven't figured out how to get there yet, but I want to believe that there is more to my life than what I am experiencing right now.  That there is more to me.

 

So am I a product of my past?  Well yes, it has definitely impacted who I am today.  But I would hope that it doesn't limit me to staying within the confines of these past experiences.  And that leads me back to my pity party.  Somehow I need to figure out how to shift myself out of jumping to the negative conclusions and recounting disappointments (I've been on my own for ages, so I'm always going to be alone) and move that 5% forward (I might be single right now but there's still the future).  Answers on a postcard please.

Something Lighter

It's been a fairly busy week and I've not been sleeping well, so I am feeling tired and very emotional this evening.  I'm posting this to show (myself) that I'm not just an over-thinker and over-sharer.

A brooch which I made for a friend's wedding for each of her bridesmaids to wear, using the scraps of fabric from her husband's kilt.

Some lovely afternoon sun this week, helping my aloe vera plants to grow.  Not that they need help, they are growing like crazy!

Itchy Feet

I don't blog as often as I would like, but there are times when I have that urge to WRITE!  It's like a traveller who gets itchy feet when they hear of another person's travel tales (I also suffer from this).  Or when you have to go for a run to burn off the frustrations and stresses of the day (unfortunately I don't suffer from this, I comfort eat instead).  I'm not sure what the writer/ blogger equivalent is called, but I've had it this week.  The opposite of writer's block.

 

I've been feeling quite jumbled and out of sorts for the past couple of weeks, and haven't been sleeping that well.  On Monday night I couldn't sleep and eventually had to write some things down on my phone just to stop them from churning around my head.  Here's what I wrote (bear in mind that it was about 1.30am):

 

Why are friendships and relationships such hard work at times?  I sometimes wonder if it's just me who has high expectations when it comes to people.  I'm not excluding myself from this - I seem to regularly let myself down and don't meet the standards I've set out for myself.

 

I need to look for a new place to live over the next few weeks.  This is raising some hard questions for me, that I'm doing my best to avoid thinking about too much.  Should I move in with other people?  It would be good to have more company.  But part of me feels that the older you get, the fewer people there are who want to live with flatmates.  I'm used to living on my own now, having done so for over 18 months.  But can I afford to keep living on my own?  And surely this won't help me to feel less lonely.  My parents have offered to help me buy a place when I'm ready.  But I don't feel that my job is stable enough to do this.  And there's still that wee girl in me who thought I would be buying my first home with my husband. 

 

I don't think it's much of a secret that I would like to be married.  But the prospect of such a big commitment also terrifies me.  Will it be worth the challenges and compromises?  What if it doesn't work out?  I know that marriage isn't going to make me happy and solve my problems in itself.  I can't rely on someone else to sort my problems and issues out.  But there's still something in me that thinks I would probably be happier if I was in a stable relationship.

 

Part of me wishes that I could just hide from all of this grown up stuff.  The ignorance of youth sounds quite appealing.  But unfortunately (as my mum reminded me recently) I am a grown up.  So I need to face these decisions head on.  Like a grown up.

 

I used to make lots of plans for the future.  I don't do that so much anymore.  Now I'm scared of looking ahead too much.  I don't like the unknown.  I'm scared of the possibility of having depressions again in the future.  Of staying single and not having kids of my own.  Scared of not feeling financially stable and running out of savings.  Scared of being left behind in my groups of friends. 

 

Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I wasn't living in the shadow of fear?

 

 

All sounds a bit depressing now that I read back over it!  I also sound like a broken record, and I'm sure those who are close to me are fed up of hearing me talk about the same old worries!  But these are my worries, and at times I do feel better for laying them out bare in front of me.  (Although I wonder if I overshare on my blog...)

 

I have been doing better over the past few months, for which I am very grateful.  The dark pit of depression is not a safe or pleasant place to be.  It's like that analogy of the frog and a pan of hot water.  If you dropped me into the hot water of depression, of course I'd do what I could to jump out of it straight away.  But when it happens gradually you don't notice you're in danger.  It creeps in and the familiar warmth almost feels comforting, until you realise that it's suffocating you and you're too tired and weighed down to kick your legs and get free.  So I am relieved to be out of that place.

 

About a month ago, I was doing some reflecting and journaling.  I thought back to when I was 18 and in the Dominican Republic with Tearfund for 6 weeks.  It was hard work and I was terribly homesick, but it was such a formative experience for me.  I was reminded that I came home having decided that I wanted to work for a charity and would do what I could to make a difference in the lives of others.  It feels like such a revelation to be reminded of that time.  I imagine being able to tell my 18 year old self that 12 years later I would be working for a charity, and that I would be making a difference.  It gives me a lump in my throat to think about it.

 

At what point did I lose that dream and get bogged down in the uselessness of comparison, disappointment and regret?  And how do I avoid falling into that trap again?  I feel like remembering that young dream has given me some of my sight back again.  I can sense my enthusiasm return.  Slowly.  For life, for work, for myself. 

 

And I think I'll stop here before I write a book...  I need to blog more regularly!

Chicken Soup and Lemsips*

* Other brands of powdered cold relief sachets are available...

 

I hate feeling unwell.  Especially when you live alone and there's no one to keep you company, give you sympathy and bring you supplies of food, tissues and DVDs.  I remember when I was a kid and mum would give us chicken soup and toast if we were ill.  And if we'd been throwing up then the first thing we were allowed to eat were rich tea biscuits, which will forever be known as 'sick biscuits' in the Smith household.

 

Do you ever get that feeling where you know that a cold is coming on?  The tingle in your throat, extra pressure in your forehead.  I felt that yesterday morning and by the evening it was a full blown raging headache and snotty nose.  I dragged myself out of bed this morning and went into work only to be sent home by the ladies in the shop at lunch time.  They told me they didn't want my germs... in the nicest possible way.

 

So I find myself in a heap on the sofa surrounded by tissues, a blanket, water, a half drunk lemsip (which is making my teeth hurt), a half eaten box of chocolates (ok, fine, more than half eaten - it was a small box!), my journal, a book, my cardigan and scarf.  My temperature is all over the place.  I woke up boiling this morning, was freezing in work, sweating on the way home and can't get it right in the flat.  I don't often take time off sick, and would much rather push on through it.  But after hardly sleeping last night and struggling to string a sentence together this morning, I'm glad to be taking it easy.  I know I'm feeling unwell because I started crying at the end of the Nicholas Sparks movie I just watched on Netflix (The Best of Me).  Next step is watching clips of puppies on YouTube... save me!

 

It's funny how the brain distinguishes between physical and emotional illness.  Even as someone with experience of mental health problems, I somehow justify physical illnesses in a different way.  I don't have a problem with taking antibiotics or painkillers.  If I had diabetes, I wouldn't think twice about following the medical advice from my doctor.  So why is it different for depression?  Why did I feel like it was admitting defeat to go back on antidepressants again last summer (almost a year ago to the day)?  I tried a couple of different types and dosages, gave up in February because I couldn't cope with the side effects, and then took a complete nose dive.

 

I wrote this in my journal on the 21st May:

So I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow and I think I'm going to admit defeat and ask to go back on antidepressants.  Something needs to change in my life - I can't keep going on like this.  I met up with [a friend] last night and she asked what was keeping me going, what was I holding on for/ with?  I'm not sure that anything is keeping me going apart from the natural passing of time.  I'm not actively fighting through this, I'm just floating down the river.  I feel totally empty inside and just miserable...  Surely life wasn't created to feel this bad.

 

Once again, I used that phrase 'admitting defeat', but why should treating depression be any different from treating any other illness?  Did you know that according to the World Health Organisation depression affects around 350 million people of all ages worldwide (figure from 2012)?!  That's more people than the population of the United States.  So it's not like depression is rare or unheard of.

 

I think for me, I don't like that I struggle with life.  That I might need medication to help me get through.  It makes me feel weak or less of a whole person.  That I'm not strong enough to cope on my own.  But I wonder if those thoughts say more about how I see myself than about my views on medication.  Self-stigma.  Would I say of think these things about any of my friends who were in a similar situation?  Of course not!

 

I've been on a new medication for about 11 weeks now, and it's actually working.  I feel like I'm living again, not just existing.  Is this all down to medication?  I don't think so, but I know it's part of my recovery.  And am I about to start a campaign to reduce the stigma around mental health problems and treatment?  Definitely not.  But I think it's helpful for me to reflect on my own struggles with this topic, and hopefully gain some insight for the future.

Mission Completed

9. Fly in a helicopter

 

Well, I can now say that I've finally finished my list!  Yesterday I ticked off the final item, flying in a helicopter.  I'd booked it in April, but had to wait a wee while to use the voucher and had my first attempt called off by the weather.  It was a bit cloudy yesterday, so instead of flying over Glasgow, the pilot took us up to Loch Lomond and back.  Not to sound like a show off, but the views were very similar to when I did the hot air balloon.  But it was amazing being in something that moves so fast, and very differently to balloons or planes.  My favourite bit was when the pilot turned round and said to me over the headphones, 'Don't worry, you won't fall out', and then did a really steep turn to the left making the helicopter lean right over!  It was over far too quickly (it last about 15 minutes), but I'd definitely recommend it.

 

 

Circling over the Clyde

 Obligatory selfie and the view approaching Loch Lomond



Balloch

 

And so, my '30 things to do before turning 30' list has come to an end.  I have mixed feelings about it.  As I've said before, it's been really good for me to have this to work on over the past 13 months, and it's given me a sense of purpose and focus (two things I struggle with a lot).  I've done new things, some that I've wanted to do for a long time.  I've had fun, and been able to share some of them with friends.  And I've loved being able to blog about it - I find writing very therapeutic, and it's good for me to write about something positive.  My diary is a pretty miserable read!  At times, it's felt a bit of a burden, especially financially.  And I struggled with some of the items, like the sewing machine projects.  But I feel sad that it's over now.

 

I've been in my thirties for over 10 weeks now.  And no, the world hasn't fallen apart and I haven't turned wrinkly and fat overnight (thankfully).  Do I still worry about the future and the prospect of getting older?  Yes, of course!  But at least I've created some good memories along the way... something which I hope to continue to do.

 

I'd like to thank my family and friends for being so supportive of all this over the past year.  And a big thank you to anyone who reads this blog.  Sometimes I worry that I'm boring and that people aren't interested in me, so I find it very encouraging when people say they enjoy reading this blog.  It means a lot to me.

 

Better get writing that '40 before 40' list...  Xx

Some Days

Some days I don’t particularly notice that I’m depressed. I get out of bed at a reasonable time, as soon as the alarm goes off. I do a full day at work. Cooking dinner is easy because I left something out the night before, or there’s fresh stuff in the fridge. I might see friends in the evening, or go swimming or out for a walk. I go to bed at a sensible time and sleep well.

 

Most days I notice it though.

 

Days like today are the worst. I feel this heaviness, like walking around with 10 encyclopedias on my head. I can’t face getting out of bed. I don’t want to go into work. I am desperately lonely but probably couldn’t face meeting up with someone or talking on the phone. Small things make me incredibly stressed and angry. I have to force myself to leave the flat. There’s hardly any food in the fridge. I binge on stuff that will distract me – Netflix, snacks, Candy Crush… I go to bed at 2am. I can’t sleep. I fluctuate wildly between feeling totally overwhelmed and feeling nothing.

 

I’ve seen depression illustrated as like a big black dog that follows you around. Mine tells me things like:

• Why even bother trying to start doing something creative, you’re no good at it and won’t like what you make anyway
• They’re not interested in what you have to say
• You can’t do this job – why not give up now?
• He doesn’t care about you. What, you think you actually mean something to him? Haha, don’t be so stupid.
• They only say those nice things because they are your parents and they have to
• You’re a disappointment
• She’s sick of having to pick up the slack from you
• You are never going to meet someone who will love you, want to get married and have a family. You had your chance and you blew it.
• You are unlovable, unaccepted and unforgiven. You will never experience that freedom that you so desperately want to have from being a Christian.
• Don’t even bother looking at that job advert, you won’t be able to do it
• Your friends just feel sorry for you, they don’t actually like you
• That flat and empty feeling inside - the one that sucks the life out of you - it's here to stay
• Even if you do come out the other side of this bout of depression, I’ll come back again. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.

 

I know these sound quite extreme. You may tell me that they’re all lies, and that I need to think positively, try and change my thought patterns etc. Of course I have moments when I can be rational, weighing up the evidence for and against. But depression is not rational or clear. It’s like being stuck in the middle of very thick fog. And in the heaviness of that fog, these feelings and thoughts are very real to me. Sometimes I feel like my insides are being crushed or twisted together. Or that I’m drowning.  

 

Have you ever tried to put a sleeping bag back into its little storage bag? This is my current coping strategy – to stuff as much as I can inside the bag, piling it all in on top of each other, pushing it further into the bag in the hopes that it will all fit inside and I can pull the cord closed and shove it to the back of the cupboard again. Occasionally I let a little bit out, air it and fold it up smaller and neater. But most of the time I just to try to hold it together. I can be quite good at it (much to the frustration of my counsellor). Sometimes it physically hurts to keep the bag closed – the concentration needed to hold it together leaves me feeling exhausted. Depression can have an anaesthetic effect as well as pain, and I welcome the numbness as it often seems like the only way to make it through another day.

 

 

Disclaimer:

Of course, this is just my experience of depression and it can differ hugely between individuals. I find using metaphors helpful (as I'm sure you might have noticed!), and hopefully this gives some insight into what depression is like.

Handle With Care

It's almost a year to the day since I came up with the idea of making a list of 30 things to do before I turn 30.  I had hoped I would finish it off today, but my helicopter flight was cancelled due to the miserable weather.  As with my hot air balloon ride, it's pretty understandable that getting the right conditions for these things when you live in Scotland isn't straight forward.  So I've rebooked it for June.  But at least I've got the voucher, and know it will happen at some point.

I've been 30 for over a month now.  I was about to write that it had been quite uneventful so far, but I don't think that's true.  It's easy to forget, even in that short space of time.

I was telling someone about my blog recently, and said that quite a few people had commented to me that I was often more honest in my blog than I was in face to face conversations.  I have to admit that there's a part of me that liked this - as if I had found a way to open up to people and a way for others to see the 'real' me.  But this person totally deflated that - 'just because people tell you that, doesn't mean it needs to be true'.  It's easy to hide behind a computer screen and type whatever you want - look at the soaring numbers of cases of cyber-bullying.  Social media gives us the option of being so very selective in what we tell the world.  It's easy to misrepresent the truth. 

The longer you put off doing something, the bigger and uglier and less appealing it becomes.  Have I become too used to being selective in what I say?  Too used at putting on a front?  Do I hide behind my blog?  I don't find it easy to make friends or to talk openly.  I can't even seem to tell my parents how I really feel and have kept a lot of things from my closest friends over the past year.  Sometimes I pinch my leg to stop myself from crying during conversations because I don't want to show that I'm upset.  I know it makes it harder for people to understand me when I don't give much away.  And it's pretty lonely.  There can be a place for putting on a front - not everyone needs to know all the details of my life.  I'm quite a private person and don't like others being nosey or gossiping about me.  It also becomes confusing when you get so many different pieces of advice, most well meaning, but not all helpful.  And then there are those who ask 'how are you?', but don't actually want an answer longer than 'fine'.

Often my problem is that I let other people do the majority of the talking.  I regularly come away from meeting up with people feeling frustrated that I wasn't given the chance to say what was on my mind.  Sometimes, like in work meetings, it just feels easier to sit back and be silent rather than try and get a word in.  Perhaps I need to make more of an effort in pushing myself to speak up.  Yes, I'm quiet.  But I have something to say, and I want the space to say it.  I'm just not very good at making the first move.

Sometimes the worst moments are when you do open up to someone and tell them exactly how you feel, and they don't respond the way you want them to.  They say nothing.  Or say something unintentionally hurtful or unhelpful.  And therein lies something of the complexity of human nature and relationships.  Who can really say they have a friend or relative that meets their every need, all of the time?  It's like being at the fairground on the dodgems, bumping onto other cars, sometimes accidentally and sometimes on purpose.  We all collide from time to time.  I think I'm feeling particularly bumped and bruised at the moment, and extra sensitive to how other people are with me.  Perhaps I need a 'fragile - handle with care' sticker to wear?

London baby!

7. Have a weekend city break somewhere in Europe

 

AKA, a good excuse to spend time with some of my oldest and best friends from school.  We had originally planned to go to Paris, but it was proving too expensive and difficult to organise, so London was the next best option.

 

 

Highlights included getting the ticket man on the train to open our bottle of fizz on the way down, self timer shots of us all with face masks on, being tourists and doing a bus and boat tour, trying to climb the lions in Trafalgar Square, going to see the show 'Wicked', the amazing food market at Greenwich, wandering around the shops in Covent Garden, multiple selfies, sitting in the sunshine in a park...  It was good to get away, and to have a change of scenery.  I find London a bit big and overwhelming - I could never live there - but it's fun for a visit.  And so good to hang out with my friends.  Life feels that bit brighter when I'm with them.

 

 

Up, Up and Away

10. Go on a hot air balloon ride

 

I bought the voucher to do this last year, and had 6 attempts at it which were always cancelled due to the weather.  Frustrating but understandable - it is Scotland after all!  So I couldn't quite believe when I phoned up the number on Tuesday evening to check if the flight was going ahead and they said it was!  It was a pretty early start to get to Perth for 6.30am, but worth it to be floating off watching the sunrise over the hills.

 

It was pretty exciting to see the balloon being inflated - I hadn't expected it to be so big, if that's not a stupid thing to say.  First of all they fill it with cold air to inflate it, then hot air to make it float.  There were about 13 of us in the basket, with 2 pilots.  It's a weird feeling taking off, just drifting away from the ground and up into the air.  The whole thing was pretty smooth, but you can see why they don't fly if there is any chance of strong winds or rain.  The balloon can be rotated by the pilots, but they totally rely on the wind to steer it.

 

 

 

The views were amazing, and given although there was a bit of morning mist, you could see for miles around.  Buildings and cars on the ground looked like tiny lego pieces.  I could still make out people, and also saw deer as we flew over some farmland.

 

I think we were in the air for about 45 - 60 minutes, but the whole things was over far too quickly.  Landing was a little bumpy, but not too bad at all (nothing compared to the face-plant I did when landing after my skydive in 2003).  We all helped pack the balloon away then had a celebratory glass of orange juice/ champagne and got certificates before being bussed back to the start.  A great experience and worth the wait.

Happy Birthday to me!

30. Do something fun to celebrate my 30th

 

Well it seems that there is life on the other side of 30.  Admittedly the first few days of this new decade have been pretty tough, but the actual day of my birthday was better than I expected.

 

But let me take a step back.  Celebrations started a week early with lunch out in Stirling with my second mum, Elaine.  Then this week I've eaten cake 6 days in a row (thanks to Amy at Bible study, Gill at work and my mum for their contributions).  On the day itself, I went for a healthy swim first thing (to try and work off some of that cake) then had a back, neck and shoulder massage.  It was a slightly comical massage as the head rest kept clicking down so I was trying to hold my neck up, then had to pinch myself to stop laughing when the girl started karate chopping my back.  I also had to work hard not to squeal as she was working on all the knots in my neck and shoulders.  In the afternoon I took a walk up to Byres Road and sat in the sun (yes, sun!) in the Botanics and had a hot chocolate in my favourite coffee shop (Tinderbox).  My parents came through in the afternoon and we went out for dinner to The Bothy - a great restaurant in Glasgow with excellent food.  The company wasn't too bad either. 

 

 

One of the best things that was said to me on the day was 'you are only a day older than yesterday and a day younger than tomorrow'.  I think this is a good way to look at it.  I've been so focussed about being in a new decade and have made a huge deal of it.  It's just another day really.  And rather than be overwhelmed by looking at 10 years as a whole block, I just need to take break it down into more manageable pieces.  I'm at a point in my life where I'm very much taking things one day at a time, so it seems quite appropriate to think small instead of big.

 

More good things are to follow in the next week or so with a few day away with my school friends, and an afternoon tea with my uni friends.  And hopefully crossing off the remaining 3 things on my 30:30 list!



Final Countdown

20. Upcycle 2 things from a charity shop (non-textiles)

 

I bought this set of tables last September, and have finally got round to finishing them off.  At last!  As with many of the items on my 30:30 list, this was a good project to have to work on.  Although it took me a while to get going with it, I enjoyed spending the time sanding the tables down and painting them up.  Yes, it was frustrating when the basecoat went all drippy.  Or when the second top coat of the blue paint ripped up the first coat.  But it's good for me to learn to accept that these things happen, and that I can't be a perfectionist all the time.

 

The tables cost me a fiver, and although the paint cost three times as much altogether, I'm pleased with the finished result.

 

You can see the necklace that I upcycled here.

 

 

The final result!

 

And so, this makes 26 out of 30 completed before my birthday, which is tomorrow.  The remaining 4 items should be happening over the next few weeks (celebrating my birthday, a weekend city break, hot air balloon ride and a helicopter ride).  It feels like an achievement to have made it this far.  As I've said recently, it's been so good for me to have these mini projects to work on over the past 12 months.  I'm not sure what I would have done without this list.

 

I can't say I feel any better about turning 30 tomorrow.  I'm sure a lot of people think I'm over-reacting about it, but it's a big deal for me.  How did I mange to get to this point in my life and still feel so lost and messed up?  Shouldn't I be a bit more on top of things by now?  I don't want to keep making the same mistakes in another decade but I don't know how to change.  I'm stuck in the mud, yet free-falling at the same time.  

Here's Lookin' At You Kid

12. Watch 6 classic films that I've never seen before

 

I like to think of myself as having good knowledge of films, with a decent collection of DVDs.  But I have to admit that there are a lot of classic films which I haven't seen.  I'm not just talking about old black and white movies.  It's the ones that are famous for their quotes, the ones that were major hits at the box office, or the ones that you watch as a child around Christmas time.  So I decided it was about time I saw what all the fuss was about by watching 6 'classics' that I hadn't seen before.

 

Bambi

Yes, that's right, I've never seen Bambi.  Shocking, I know.  I was aware that his mother died (sorry if that was a major spoiler for anyone out there), but I hadn't realised how early on that happened in the film and that there was more of a storyline to it.  As much as I love the Disney-Pixar movies of current day, there's nothing quite like a bit of old-school pencil and paper to get the job done, and I loved the illustrative quality of the animation and soft colours in Bambi.  It almost feels quite comforting.  Can you believe this was first released in 1942 (and re-released another 6 times)?  This film definitely has the charm factor, and I could see why it appeals so much to people.

 

Jerry Maguire

Wow, Tom Cruise looks young in this film.  Short as ever, but what a baby face!  Ok, so I can now put the whole 'Show me the money' and 'You had me at hello' quotes in context, but I really didn't get what all the fuss was about the movie.  Five Oscar nominations... really?!  I mean, I was happy enough to watch it, but I'm not going to be rushing back any time soon.  I can see why Renee Zellweger's character, Dorothy, fell for Jerry in the first place.  But the relationship just felt a bit false and lacking in depth.  For me, it didn't feel all that genuine when he went crawling back, begging for forgiveness.  I would have sent him packing... maybe.

 

Les Miserables

I'm not a fan of musicals.  At all.  But this film...  I'm not saying I've been converted, but when you do a film on this scale, with that level of epic-ness, and with a performance like that from Anne Hathaway (so deserving of her Oscar for the role of Fantine) - how can you not sit in awe.  And of course the running themes of redemption and mercy.  Yes, there was the dodgy performance from Russell Crowe, and I did get a bit bored (come on - it's 158 minutes long!).  But I get why people love it so much.

 

Cool Runnings

Light-hearted, embracing the Jamaican stereotypes, and the 'feel-good striving to succeed against the odds' which makes you want to punch your fist in the air.  What's not to like?  Perhaps when it first came out it felt current, but it's got a major early 90's cheese feel to it.  Which is no bad thing.  Feel the rhythm!

 

The Sound of Music

I know, how can I have reached almost 30 years of age and not seen The Sound of Music before now?  What can I say, I didn't watch a lot of TV when I was younger and was never usually in charge of the remote.  The whole singing thing was a wee bit off putting (I refrained from watching the sing-along version), but the appeal and charm of this film is obvious.  Who can't help but fall for Julie Andrew's Maria, with her enthusiasm, clumsiness, gentle nature and innocence.  I think if I had watched this as a child, I would have loved it.

Casablanca
Oh yes, there had to be a black and white film in there.  And why not go all out with a Humphrey Bogart classic.  I have to admit, I was expecting him to be better looking - wasn't he the Brad Pitt of his day?  I think the best word to describe this film is melodramatic.  But I mean that in a positive way - it feels well balanced, with serious notes of escaping from occupied Europe, the romance of a reawakened heartbreak, and just enough slapstick humour without being over the top.  I was surprised that it was only 102 minutes long, but this also felt like a good balance - the script was tight, not overdrawn but not rushed either.

Other films that I feel I ought to see are: Mary Poppins, The King and I, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Gone With The Wind and The Wizard of Oz.

(This replaced 'take up piano again and learn to play 6 new songs' - seems I haven't got any better at practicing and perseverance.)

Mandazi

6. Learn how to cook something new

 

(This replaces the original 'go on a road trip around Scotland', which I will hopefully do at some point in the future.)

I'd like to think I'm a reasonably good cook.  Sure, it's a bit monotonous, but it's hard to feel motivated to make exciting new things every day when you're cooking for one.  I find baking therapeutic (most of the time), but it's not good for my waistline.

 

So the perfect excuse to try making something new is when doing it for other people.  My mum has a rule that you shouldn't try a recipe for the first time when guest are coming round.  But we all know I live life on the edge...

I was helping at a 'Thank You' event over the weekend for some of the people who support the work of Dwelling Places UK.  We wanted to give people a taste of Uganda, so brought along plantain chips, chai tea, chapattis and mango juice.  We also decided to make mandazi - a doughnut flavoured with coconut, cinnamon and cardamom.  I did a trial run earlier in the week (it's always good to do a taste test) and then went for round two on Friday night.

Unfortunately I managed to cremate quite a few of them (I blame using an electric cooker instead of gas), but I had a bit of help and the rest were salvaged.  Nothing like a bit of icing sugar to cover up the burnt bits.  But it's all good learning experience and it was fun to try something new.  These taste really good actually - the spices and coconut give a lovely flavour.

Find the recipe here:  http://africanbites.com/?p=7485

 

Here goes...

Extremely sticky dough - I think I should have used more flour!

Nobody likes a gloater, but I have to admit that his were better than mine

 



And The Winner Is....

24. Do a blog giveaway

 

Congratulations to Lynsey and Hannah on winning the big and small bag respectively!  I'll get these posted off to you tomorrow.

 

Thank you to all those who entered.  This was really just a wee experiment, but it was fun.  And it's encouraging to know that people would actually want something that I had made.  Apologies that the results weren't published sooner - a mistimed biscuit icing session is to blame.  You know how it is...

 

This replaced the original item on my list, 'try snowboarding again'.  Which hopefully one day I will do.  Just need to get a bit fitter first.

 

 

Bag Yourself A Bag!

I only have 8 things left on my list now, and it's my birthday next week...  Where has the time gone?!  I'd love to have as many things ticked off as possible before the day, so am making a couple of last minute changes to the original list.  Given I've been making things on my sewing machine this year, I thought I would do a blog giveaway and have chosen the two bags that featured in my March sewing project.

The large one is 30cm wide by 34 cm, with 69cm long straps.  The smaller one is 22cm wide by 21cm, with 57cm long straps.

 

 

Both bags are made from a lovely cotton floral fabric, and are unlined.  So they won't take the heaviest bits of your shopping, but they'll carry the rest in style.  So if you would like to receive one of these bags, then comment on this blog post (click 'comments' at the end of the post) or get in touch with me directly.  You've got until 8pm on Friday and then I'll pick two names out of a hat to receive the bags.  Make sure you specify if you would prefer the big or small bag (or enter for both!).  It could be for you, or as a present for someone else.  Good luck!

It's A Zoo Out There!

29. Try an unusual type of food

 

My normal diet can be a wee bit monotonous - a lot of pasta, rice, veg and bacon/ chicken - so I'm quite up for trying now food and different flavours.  My friend Lynsey and I went to Khublai Khans, a Mongolian restaurant in Edinburgh last night.  The set up is quite simple - fill a bowl with your choice of rice/ noodles/ beansprouts/ vegetables, then add spices, herbs, sauces and oils, and finally top it off with your choice of meat/ fish.  Take it over to the counter and it gets cooked up on a big hot plate. then brought over to you table.  And even better, if you go for the buffet option you can go back as many times as you have space for!

 

The restaurant usefully has suggestions for sauce combinations, such as Khublai's Kracker, Sweet & Sour, Massive Mongolian Munch etc, and the quantities needed to make it from the little pots of flavours in front of you.  And then there's the meat...  I think there was about 12 different choices altogether, but I tried llama, wild boar, horse, buffalo and rabbit.  And we had kangaroo haggis and zebra stroganoff as our starters.  My favourite was probably the wild boar, which I had with a sweet and sour sauce, rice, carrots and ginger.  It was like a cross between beef and pork - flavoursome but not too chewy.  I definitely felt a bit guilty about eating horse meat (although had to laugh at the sign underneath it which said 'the real thing').

 

 

 

I also now have two vouchers for 20% off at Khublai Khans, to be used before the end of April, should anyone else wish to try it!  There's the restaurant in Edinburgh and also one in Glasgow.  My top tips are to go for small bowls and not to add too much meat, otherwise you'll be too full to try everything you want.  It definitely felt like flavour overload by the end, but it was worth it.



Animation Station

15. Learn how to make a stop frame animation

 

Stop frame (or stop motion) animations are a series of still images played in quick succession to give the appearance of movement.  It's the technique used for Wallace and Gromit, Pingu, Morph etc.  I wanted to start small, so have made two quite short animations.  They're not particularly inspired or complicated, but it feels good to have made them.  And more importantly, I enjoyed doing it.  Yes, that's right, I enjoyed doing something creative!!!!

 

The first one features a flower being put back together:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_Sb_O2OMko&feature=youtu.be

 

And the second is a tribute to the solar eclipse from yesterday.  I couldn't see much at the time as it was too cloudy, so recreated it later on with the help of an egg...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xdX3ogibHI&feature=youtu.be

 

Hopefully this might be the start of a new thing for me.  And that's been such a rewarding part of doing this 30:30 list over the past year - learning or doing new things, rediscovering old hobbies, feeling a sense of achievement.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do once it's all over.

 

 

 

Good Food Guide

22. Buy a bunch of flowers for myself

 

This is replacing the original thing I had on my list, which was do a 5k.  I'd still like to do a 5k one day, but I just don't feel up to it at the moment and probably wouldn't enjoy it.  So instead I decided to treat myself to a bunch of flowers!

 

I've struggled with comfort eating a lot over the past decade - eating when I feel down, as a reward for having a good day, or when I feel bored and unmotivated.  It's a vicious cycle to get into, and hard to break.  I've recently taken up swimming again (ok, I've been twice, but that's a big achievement for me).  This time it's not about getting fit or trying to be the best or fastest, it's about doing something because I enjoy it and I feel good when I do it.  And I guess the flowers represent something similar - I don't want to be stuck in bad habits to try and make myself feel better, but want to learn how to be good to myself.  'Good food' doesn't have to be edible.

 

These are from Petals Florist on Crow Road in Glasgow.

 

 

 

2. Read the New Testament

 

At last I have managed to finish reading through the 27 books in the New Testament.  For me, reading the Bible is a bit like eating salad.  You know it's good for you, but it's often very hard to feel motivated to do it and stick at it.

 

In many ways I have more questions and feel more confused about my faith now, than I did 12 months ago.  I think this is probably a reflection of where I am in life at the moment, but it's a bit disconcerting.  It's hard to admit as a Christian that I have doubts.  Or that I often don't feel close to God, I regularly don't feel like praying, and when I do I usually say something quick and don't wait around long enough to hear if God is going to say anything back.  I struggle to understand or relate to a loving God, and instead am fearful of condemnation, anger and unforgiveness. 

 

I guess I need to try to hold on to verses like these:

 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.  2 Timothy 1:7

 

The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.  My purpose is to give life in all it's fullness.  John 10:10

 

He comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  2 Corinthians 1:4

 

Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death?... No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:35, 37 - 39

 

 

So, that's me completed 20 out of 30 things on my list.  I finally feel like I'm getting there with it, which is a relief.  Although I do wonder what I'm going to do with myself once it's all over...

Book Worm - Part 2

4. Read a new book every month

 

I’ve really enjoyed reading more this past year.  I spend way too much time in front of a computer screen, so it’s been good to go back to paper for a change.  After school and Uni I got out of the habit of reading regularly, and I feel like my mind is slower and more sluggish as a result of not being fuelled in that way.  Hopefully reading more regularly again is a good habit I can keep going with now that I’ve completed this.

 

You can read Part 1 by clicking here, and below is Part 2.

 

October: The Little Coffee Shop of Kabul by Deborah Rodriguez

This novel is centred on a coffee shop in Kabul, Afghanistan.  I like stories where the characters’ paths cross and interact (such as the films ‘Crash’ and ‘Babel’), as they did in this book.  The 5 women involved have very different personalities and backgrounds, yet find common ground in their struggles and successes.  I enjoyed reading something slightly lighter-hearted, and finished this book within the first few days of my time in Uganda.  It does however deal with slavery, rape, suicide bombs and breaking cultural rules, but they handled in such a way as to not overpower and depress the reader.  Well worth a read.

 

November: Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend by Matthew Green

Lent to me by my good friend, Lynsey, whose bookshelves have supplied me with over 15 years of Babysitters Club, Sweet Valley High, Cecelia Ahern and Jodi Picoult.  This is the story of Budo, the imaginary friend of 8 year old Max, and Budo’s mission to rescue Max from danger.  It was written from Budo’s perspective, which was an interesting angle.  Budo has more knowledge than Max about life, but Budo’s descriptions allow the reader a greater insight into the situation.  For example, from Budo’s descriptions of Max’s behaviour you can tell that he is on the autistic spectrum.  This book was better than I expected – both heart-warming and sad.  Budo’s love for and loyalty to Max eventually costs him the highest price.

 

December: The Other Hand by Chris Cleave

A hard hitting account of Nigerian-refugee Little Bee and her encounter with Sarah O’Rourke, initially in Nigeria and then 2 years later in England.  This book was gripping, and very well written, but a tough read and perhaps not the most uplifting thing to be reading when you’re struggling with life.  Although fictional, it certainly doesn’t give a good impression of British Immigration Detention Centres, and the systems that are in place to deal with and support refugees.  Suicide, depression, corruption, and rape are combined with the search for freedom and answers.

 

January: The Fault In Our Stars by John Green

I’ve always been unsure whether it’s better to read the book or watch the film first, or if it actually matters.  Having seen the film adaptation last year, I thought I would check out the book to compare the hype.  Hazel (with terminal cancer) and Augustus (a cancer survivor) meet at a cancer support group and, of course, fall in love.  Yes, there are predictable elements within this book and something about the characters that doesn’t quite resonate with real life.  But there’s another side that does.  It’s insightful and irreverent, funny and poignant, and surprisingly better than the teen-fiction that I was expecting.  There are events or experiences (such as illness) that impact us and those in our lives, changing our perspective as well as changing how others perceive and behave around us.  I liked that this book dealt with that head on.  But the running theme that smacked me in the face was that of Gus’s battle with the (in)significance of his life.  I want to leave a mark. … We are like a bunch of dogs squirting on fire hydrants..., marking everything MINE in a ridiculous attempt to survive our deaths. …I know it’s silly and useless – epically useless in my current state – but I am an animal like any other. (p311)  This struck a chord for me.

 

February: The Real Deal by Rod Williams

An autobiography of Williams’ struggle with a drug and gambling addiction, and how his life changed over time once he became a Christian.  In many ways this was very easy to read, and I finished it within a few days.  But it was also hard to see how quickly life can spiral out of control as a result of addictions, and how destructive it can be, both for the addict and those around them.  I’ve never struggled with an addiction, but I can relate to the inner need to find purpose or satisfaction, or to try and fill a gap in life.  I’m sure most people do this, to a greater or lesser extent, whether it’s with food, drink, relationships, possessions, status, money or fitness.  But for some, it’s a compulsive behaviour.  Williams found his freedom through his faith in God, helped by the support of family and friends.  Even as a Christian myself, I struggle to live out my life with the freedom that I know I should have.  Why is there such a difference between head-knowledge and heart-knowledge?

 

March: Chinese Cinderella by Adeline Yen Mah

This book was very easy to read – I finished it in under 24 hours – but also very difficult.  Adeline’s mother died giving birth to her, and from then on the majority of her family considered her to be bad luck.  She was ostracised and made to feel unwanted, with blatant favouritism given to her other brothers and sisters, especially the offspring of her stepmother.  I grew up with 2 loving parents in a relatively stable home, and yet still have enough childhood issues that I’m working through.  How can a child possibly learn to deal with those feelings of being unwanted, unaccepted and never being good enough?  Adeline talks of living in fear, trying to hide her home situation from her school friends, the crushing weight of depression and her need to try and please her family.  This book focuses on Adeline’s story up to the age of 14, and I hope she found her peace and happiness after that.